PALO ALTO — Studies have found that medical school selectiveness has been on the rise for years, leading undergraduate students to act earlier and more aggressively to prepare themselves for the admissions process. Aware of the fierce competition, some students have allegedly decided to dedicate time to building their resumes in whatever way they can. “We have to be out there, gaining experience and making connections from Day 0. Day 1 just doesn’t cut it anymore,” said new Arroyo resident Susan Xu.

Reports indicate that the first night of class at Stanford found hundreds of students gathered together, all seemingly wanting to be the first to gain highly sought-after experience in the Stanford University Medical Center. Indeed, by 8:15PM, eyewitnesses say one motivated freshman had already found his way onto an ambulance before spending the night learning about hospital procedures for alcohol-related illnesses. Students also claim that within several hours approximately half a dozen more frosh, apparently not wanting to miss this opportunity, also found themselves bound for area medical facilities.

 The Stanford Flipside has learned that by the end of the week, 15 additional students had followed suit. “I heard about what all of these people had done, and I got really afraid of falling behind my competitors,” said Clark Goltz, one of Saturday’s visitors to the Stanford Hospital. He claims social programming across campus offered this and more opportunities; Friday and Saturday nights’ many events gave students a chance to observe firsthand the effects of dehydration, eardrum perforation, and even chlamydia, he said.

He also mentioned that students seem to have largely stopped paying visits to hospitals since the end of the first week. Now, Clark says that he is looking forward to participating in Stanford’s extensive annual study of mononucleosis, set to begin in a few days. “I’m really excited to meet my research partners,” he remarked.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…