STANFORD, CA – Anthony Lee, a current freshman, confirmed last Friday that cheating on a recent midterm in his Chem 31x class had left him astonishingly satisfied on both an emotional, and an intellectual, level.
“I had no idea that I would feel so proud of myself after getting all of the short answers from the TA’s binder and cheating on my chem test,” said Chien, explaining that he assumed cheating his way through class would fill him with feelings of guilt, emptiness, and shame. But on the contrary, his self-esteem is now “better than ever.”
“I’m never in class, and I can’t remember the last time I read the textbook. In fact, if I ever go to class I’m asleep,” said Chien, “But when I received my graded midterm and saw the perfect score that I had cheated so hard to achieve, I knew that I had something to be proud of. I worked hard to write the answers in tiny print on a scrap of paper, and in order to glance at it surreptitiously without being noticed I had to push myself harder and farther than I’ve ever pushed myself before.”
Chien later confirmed that his new sense of pride and moral strength only grew when he called his parents and lied about studying hard enough to ace his chemistry midterm. “Cheating to get this perfect score is just what I needed. My future looks so much brighter now.”
At press time, Chien has reported that he plans on pursuing his goals of cheating on other important tests in the future, and maybe conning his way into an elite summer program or, eventually, grad school. “I don’t want to get ahead of myself,” commented Chien, “but I really believe I have what it takes to be appear to be whatever I want to be. And it feels good.”