STANFORD, CA — As the threat of flood increases each day of this rainy season at Stanford, Marc Tessier-Lavigne has announced a plan for the two hottest people from each dorm to begin boarding his ark. “At some point everyone will have to accept the reality of this armageddon flood situation, and once they reach that point, it might already be too late,” said Tessier-Lavigne as he herded a group of attractive freshmen towards his main quad ark-construction site. “It’s my duty as the president of this university to take matters into my own hands.” Tessier-Lavigne also explained that he’s fine with each dorm self-selecting their own two hottest people, but he reserves the right to have the final say in who gets on the ark.

While critics of Tessier-Lavigne’s arc have called it a “Eugenics Fuckboat,” he has countered such claims with tactful honesty. “Complain all you want about my methods, but when it really comes down to it, people truly just want to be around other attractive people, so that’s what we should be prioritizing in this dire time.”

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