A recently released study by a panel of IPCC climatologists reports that, in the likely event of catastrophic rises in sea level on a global scale that we are now powerless to stop, the city of New York will look awesome under all that water.
“Picture it, if you will,” said Roger Feldman of Switzerland, one of the leading climate-change experts involved with the study, “The Empire State Building as a bustling coral reef, a manta ray gliding gracefully past the Statue of Liberty. It almost makes one glad that mankind has decided to chart itself on an unsustainable path of reckless fossil fuel consumption that may well bring about the downfall of one of its greatest cities.”
His colleague, American scientist Richard Murray, was quick to agree. “While the displacement of millions of people and the abandonment of billions of dollars’ worth of infrastructure would be regrettable, the sight of New York underwater would be astounding. Towering pillars of concrete stretching up from the murky depths to the sun-dappled shallows. Yankee Stadium transformed into an eerily silent underwater grotto. All ghostly testaments to a bygone era.”
The study thoroughly analyzed the aesthetic improvement that hundreds of feet of ocean would bring to the New York skyline, and included carefully rendered artist’s concepts of what the Big Apple would like as an empty, aqueous cityscape, with captions such as “Wow!”, “Sweet!”, and “Modern day Atlantis right here!”.
“Hurricane Sandy is just a taste of what is to come, and of what will be necessary to submerge America’s greatest metropolis,” the study concluded. “The tragedies that will befall New York City and our planet as a whole will be vast and tragic, made more so by the fact that they were utterly preventable. But when all is said and done, the sight of well-known New York landmarks settling deeper into the oceanic abyss will be achingly and hauntingly beautiful, something we can all appreciate. Plus, if anyone deserves to have their city doomed to a watery grave it’s those asshole New Yorkers.”