NEW YORK CITY—After several hours of intense deliberation, David Stern, commissioner of the NBA, officially cancelled the first two weeks of the league’s scheduled season.

At his press conference, Stern told the crowd, “I’m pleased to announce that this cancellation will allow our fans to fully concentrate on the NFL without getting distracted by our meaningless beginning of the season.” Stern’s generous deed proved to facilitate more people than he thought.

Geraldine Lou Rae, a proud Alabama resident, was confused by the announcement. “What the hell is the NBA?” she said. “I seen them boys bouncin’ some balls on the television sometimes, if this means I don’t have to watch that, thank the Lord. Is there football on the television? You’re damn right there is,” she said, putting down her Natty Light. “All we need is some football and that’s what we got.”

Many spotlighted the affect this would have on team employees losing two weeks worth of salary. Minnesota Timberwolves PA announcer Tom Brooks explained, “Look, I miss a couple weekly paychecks. Main thing is, I’ll be kicking back in my living room chair on Saturday and Sunday watching football. To say I’m ecstatic would be an understatement.”

Even 7-time NBA all-star and 2-time NBA MVP Lebron James was glad to finally focus on everybody’s favorite sport. “It comes down to what matters in life. I’d rather watch a few hours of NFL Redzone than play in the NBA for two weeks. Now I have an opportunity to chase my dream of playing in the NFL. Don’t think MJ or Kobe could do it.”

A recently conducted AP poll showed 98% of people could care less about the NBA because the NFL and NCAA football are currently playing games, while the other 2% thought NBA stood for Nevada Bookkeepers Association.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…