Joey Tyler ’12 plans to graduate this June with a double major in Math and Chemistry. While he has a phenomenal understanding of group theory and real analysis, the Flipside has discovered that Tyler lacks all basic skills that a 22 year old American citizen should have. 

We went on a walk with Tyler to learn about all of his academic accomplishments, and only a few minutes in, his shoe became untied. This led to a frenzy, where we discovered he was unable to tie his shoes, and has just been slipping them on for years.

“Please don’t tell my mom,” he begged. 

It only got worse. After a few more minutes with Tyler, we learned he was was also unable to properly use a plunger, and is unable to gather his own food. Many are worried that he may die a week or two after graduation. 

The greatest danger to his life is starving to death, followed quickly by freezing and then everything else. 

While at Stanford, all of the necessary sustenance just appeared in the cupboard. Now, many fear for his life, as he will need to do his own grocery shopping, cooking, and if necessary, toilet paper restocking. 

He also will be responsible for turning on and off his own heat. This could be his Achilles’ heel. 

Tyler will also have to learn fend for himself when there is a fire in his new apartment. With no RA alerting him to the fire, he will be responsible for feeling that is getting hot and hearing the fire alarm, as well as opening door to leave the building. 

The real world is harsh place, and we can only wish Tyler the best.

You May Also Like

Class of 2027 Student Spotlight: They’re All Pieces of Shit

Ah yes. Admit weekend.  Swarms of lanky to-be freshmen wander the vast campus, not…

Flipside Guide: What To Do If You’re On Fire

So you think you’re on fire.  Maybe preparing Thanksgiving dinner didn’t go…

Porn Site Releases New “Step-Daughter Teaches Racist Step-Uncle About Slavery and The Legacy of Anti-Black Racism in the US” Video Series to Educate White People About Racial Disparities in American Society

Protests have recently erupted all across the United States as the structural…