January 1: Health coverage under Obamacare begins, which is particularly helpful for one Milwaukee man who is rushed to a local emergency room after New Year’s Eve revelry leaves a champagne bottle lodged six inches inside of him.

February 12: Speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno captures the nation’s attention during the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics with his dazzling performance in a series of primetime advertisements for Subway restaurants.

March 23: In an attempt to broker peace and end hostilities in South Sudan, new nation of Southern South Sudan is formed.

April 1: Alex Rodriguez begins serving MLB-record 211-game suspension; skeptics question whether this record-breaking performance would be possible without the aid of performance-enhancing drugs.

May 9: Stock market reaches an all-time high.  So there’s that.

June 15: Stanford’s Class of 2014 graduates and triumphantly marches out into the world…for three months before returning to the safety of The Farm to complete their coterms.

July 29: Christ’s second coming.

August 7: Record-breaking heat across the US prompts swarms of annoying douchebags to mount their global warning soap boxes and preach to an apathetic audience.

September 22: Puerto Rico promoted to US state; New Jersey relegated to US territory; Rhode Island traded to England for a pack of smokes.

October 5: Tech industry celebrates milestone achievement as Apple’s next-generation iPhone, boasting the largest screen yet, and Apple’s newest model iPad, boasting the most condensed dimensions yet, finally converge on the same size.

November 4: Republicans capture all 435 seats in the US House of Representatives during a stunning midterm elections sweep; somehow, stalemate still ensues.

December 18: Costumed fans descend on local theaters and begin lining up one year in advance of the release of Star Wars Episode VII.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…