January 1: Health coverage under Obamacare begins, which is particularly helpful for one Milwaukee man who is rushed to a local emergency room after New Year’s Eve revelry leaves a champagne bottle lodged six inches inside of him.
February 12: Speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno captures the nation’s attention during the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics with his dazzling performance in a series of primetime advertisements for Subway restaurants.
March 23: In an attempt to broker peace and end hostilities in South Sudan, new nation of Southern South Sudan is formed.
April 1: Alex Rodriguez begins serving MLB-record 211-game suspension; skeptics question whether this record-breaking performance would be possible without the aid of performance-enhancing drugs.
May 9: Stock market reaches an all-time high. So there’s that.
June 15: Stanford’s Class of 2014 graduates and triumphantly marches out into the world…for three months before returning to the safety of The Farm to complete their coterms.
July 29: Christ’s second coming.
August 7: Record-breaking heat across the US prompts swarms of annoying douchebags to mount their global warning soap boxes and preach to an apathetic audience.
September 22: Puerto Rico promoted to US state; New Jersey relegated to US territory; Rhode Island traded to England for a pack of smokes.
October 5: Tech industry celebrates milestone achievement as Apple’s next-generation iPhone, boasting the largest screen yet, and Apple’s newest model iPad, boasting the most condensed dimensions yet, finally converge on the same size.
November 4: Republicans capture all 435 seats in the US House of Representatives during a stunning midterm elections sweep; somehow, stalemate still ensues.
December 18: Costumed fans descend on local theaters and begin lining up one year in advance of the release of Star Wars Episode VII.