The United States Department of Homeland Security confirmed today that the vast AlertSU intelligence network was responsible for alerting them of an impending assassination attempt against Saudi ambassador Adel Al-Jubeir. On the morning of the attempt, members of the department received simultaneous text messages reading “Attempted car bombing occurred at 0800 hrs. Suspect is at large. More info to follow”

“We also received emails,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, “that clued us in to the fact that the man was Iranian, of heavy build, and had a mustache. He apparently had been last seen wearing a nondescript dress shirt and khakis. We were encouraged to contact the Stanford Department of Public Safety, and were once again directed to”

With the wealth of information at, including a rough sketch of the would-be terrorist, security officials and the FBI were able to successfully track down the perpetrator.

“Many thanks to the AlertSU agents and operatives that were able to infiltrate the terrorists’ networks,” said President Obama in a speech to congress. “From revealing the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden to preventing this latest attack, we can all sleep easier at night knowing that they are watching over us.”

“We have yet to ascertain if the terrorist was a rogue agent or commissioned by Iran’s ruling inner-circle,” he added. “When we get the next text message, we will provide that information.”

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