TOLEDO, OH—Gardner Elementary School students had no school this past Monday to honor the national holiday, Columbus Day.

Local 4th grader Benjamin Levin was ecstatic when he woke up and his mother reminded him there was no school. “I don’t even have to shower today!” said the 10-year old. “In class they told us Columbus discovered America, but online I read about him killing all those Indians… At least there’s no school.”

“It was so great having little Bennie home for the day,” said Mrs. Levin. “I don’t even care that the reason school’s out is to honor a filthy genocidal animal.”

Many other unfulfilled moms are questioning the system, wondering why there aren’t more days off of school to honor genocidal-like killers so their precious darlings can stay home with them.

“Stalin, Genghis Khan, even an American like Ted Bundy,” said one outraged mother. “It’s guys like this that deserve national holidays. Especially if Columbus got one.”

To this day Columbus’ extraordinary legacy lives on in public schools. As an adventurous, immoral role model, Columbus is respected by any student who knows how far away Spain is and beloved by those who need the extra few hours of sleep on that second Monday of October.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…