Staff from freshman dorm Cedro report that the dorm has been hit with an outbreak of dormyphilis, an infectious disease caused by excessive amounts of inter-dorm sexual relations, also known as dormcest.
“We all know it’s a threat,” Cedro Resident Fellow David Fitzgerald said. “But we didn’t think it happen to us! Junipero, maybe, but not us! At this point, all we can do is take the necessary precautions to prevent the outbreak from hitting the single-sex floors and hope for the best.”
The first signs of the outbreak occurred early Thursday morning when multiple students visited Cedro Peer Health Educator Adriana Wexler with typical symptoms of dormyphilis: awkwardness, inadequacy at making it look like no big deal, and genital warts.
“Right away, I knew we had a problem, though luckily there is still no sign of any spread of dormorrhea, dormydia, or the dreaded dormpes,” Wexler said. “I’m very excited that I actually have something to do, but I’m also disappointed—I thought all of those SHPRC talks would teach them something!”
In the wake of the outbreak, dorm staff had an emergency brainstorming session to try to figure out where the problems were and ways to deal with the problem in the future.
“When I called a brainstorming session, everyone knew we were in a serious situation,” Fitzgerald commented. “I haven’t called one of those since the summer, when we had to come up with a dorm theme that hilariously incorporated ‘Cedro.’
After several hours of deliberating, the staff members came to a unanimous conclusion that the best way to handle the situation was to schedule many more SHPRC talks. They also agreed conclusively that the freshman were “really f***ing horny.”
Despite the medical implications of the problem, many in the dorm tried to remain positive.
“I’m actually really happy about this,” said freshman Anita Yu, room 219. “As a pre-med, this is the closest I can get to real-life medical experience until my summer medical internship starts!”
Reports indicate that she did not have dormyphilis nor would be in danger of getting it anytime soon.
