By Gregory Linsch

STANFORD—The Stanford Psychology department just released the results to a revolutionary study that they had been conducting over the past forty years: 93.2% of the results they have obtained from surveys and studies conducted on college campuses have come from students looking for beer money.
Some are worried about the consequences of these findings. Psychology Department chair Brian Wandell has voiced a concern that this may undermine all of the major conclusions that have been reached in the past forty years. “Our new findings show that we really haven’t been covering a random sample of the population. Basically, these results show that we’ve only been testing broke underage drinkers.”
These findings will put all the major experiments in doubt. The famous and renowned Stanford Prison Experiment, and the groundbreaking conclusions regarding obedience, attribution, and cognitive dissonance, may turn out not to be valid.
“If these participants in these experiments were just students looking for beer money, that explains why they would be so mean to each other,” said Wandell. “They just had the goal of beer money in mind, and they weren’t letting anything get in their way.”
This latest study attracted even more students than normal, because they offered the payout as $15 an hour or a six pack of Stamped Light beer. “This study was great, dude. It saved me a trip to the store, and not only that, they gave out Stampede Light,” said one sophomore Jed Gilford.
The Psychology department is now trying a different strategy to attract a wider audience and as a payoff for future studies, will now offer religious salvation.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…