Ruth Bader Ginsburg Awaits Full Moon For Sacrament Of Eternal Life

November 14, 2016 12:00 pm
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Awaits Full Moon For Sacrament Of Eternal Life

  “For the good of the nation,” she whispers as she plunges the ancient dagger into the heart of a wild boar.  Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, looks up at the full moon with completely black eyes, absorbing the life force of the fading creature beneath her.  In […]

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Wait, Is It Too Late For Us To Endorse A Candidate?

November 8, 2016 12:00 pm
Wait, Is It Too Late For Us To Endorse A Candidate?

BREAKING NEWS: Apparently the election is…this week? Oh goddammit. Isn’t there something about how a leap year makes the election a little later or something? Are elections always on leap years? What about daylight savings…Is that a thing? Well we’ve got to be honest — we haven’t really been paying […]

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Swing State Starting To Get Weirded Out By Candidates

October 31, 2016 12:00 pm
Swing State Starting To Get Weirded Out By Candidates

Historically reliable for the Republican party, the state of Texas has recently been declared a swing state in the 2016 presidential election. It has thus become a deeply contested battleground between the Democratic and Republican hopefuls, seeking to cement their electoral victories. However, this increasingly prevalent attention from the candidates […]

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Op-Ed: I Disagree With Both Candidates On Key Issues, But I Still Can’t Find My Dog

October 4, 2016 9:00 am
Op-Ed: I Disagree With Both Candidates On Key Issues, But I Still Can’t Find My Dog

After watching the debate last Monday, I realized that I found Trump incredibly offensive. He constantly interrupted Hillary, contradicted himself, and really had nothing to say after all. His stop-and-frisk strategy to increase law and order seems hastily thought-through, and is likely unconstitutional. And on top of all of that, […]

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Racism Solved After Open Dorm Conversation

September 22, 2016 12:00 pm
Racism Solved After Open Dorm Conversation

Residents of Soto celebrated Thursday evening, as a “frank and honest discussion” about identity completely solved all of the structural inequalities plaguing American society in their infinite intricacy. What began as an innocent discussion about Colin Kaepernick and the nature of American patriotism soon morphed into a full-on discourse about […]

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Room Full of Designers Found Dead Next To New Trump/Pence Logo

July 15, 2016 2:27 pm
Room Full of Designers Found Dead Next To New Trump/Pence Logo
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Chris Christie Seen Blasting Boombox Outside Trump’s Hotel Room

10:29 am
Chris Christie Seen Blasting Boombox Outside Trump’s Hotel Room
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In Moderate Shift, Trump To Say Fewer Nazi Things

May 31, 2016 12:00 pm
In Moderate Shift, Trump To Say Fewer Nazi Things
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NRA Seriously Considered All Candidates Before Trump Endorsement

May 23, 2016 12:01 pm
NRA Seriously Considered All Candidates Before Trump Endorsement

Last week’s NRA endorsement of presidential candidate Donald Trump surprised few. Nevertheless, spokesmen from the NRA were quick to justify their decision as being the cumulating effort of weeks of research. Said one NRA representative, “Gun gun gun gun gun. Gun gun gun gun gun gun gun. Gun gun gun, […]

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Obama Savors Silent Fist-Pump After Nailing Long-Range Paper-to-Wastebasket Shot

May 16, 2016 12:00 pm
Obama Savors Silent Fist-Pump After Nailing Long-Range Paper-to-Wastebasket Shot

Whispering “Kobe” as the crumpled defense deployment report floated effortlessly into his trashcan, President Obama silently savored a hushed air-punch Sunday after daring a long-range basketball-style shot from his desk to his wastebasket. “I’ve been trying to sink one like that since the debt ceiling crisis,” Obama said, leaning back […]

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