White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

December 5, 2016 12:01 pm
White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

While millions of American workers enjoyed a hard-earned break over the Thanksgiving holiday, the team at Washington Vampiric Construction Ltd. was working hard as ever on their fast-paced winter project: a 13thcentury-inspired gothic tomb structure to house Vice President-Elect Mike Pence, a 100% real vampire. Maddy Ellingson, the construction team’s […]

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Student Protests Twitter Character Limit By Not Completing Any of His Sentenc

December 2, 2016 9:00 am
Student Protests Twitter Character Limit By Not Completing Any of His Sentenc

Senior Justin Henshaw rose to Stanford-wide internet infamy Sunday after taking a stand against Twitter’s 140-character limit. Alongside friends who have led the #NoDAPL campus movement against the Dakota Access Pipeline, various walkouts, and several support rallies, Justin has become a strong figurehead for student-led activism at Stanford. “I just really […]

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Fake News Writers Not Sure Whether To Trust News That They Are Out Of A Job

November 28, 2016 12:00 pm
Fake News Writers Not Sure Whether To Trust News That They Are Out Of A Job

INTERNET — This past election cycle, a particularly contentious topic has been fake news sites, websites that intentionally provide misinformation to gullible readers on social media. Up until now, writing for a fake news site was quite easy, but reports of an increasingly cautious public has led bogus news writers […]

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Russia, Iran, To Consider Arming Moderate Rebels In U.S.A

November 14, 2016 5:00 pm
Russia, Iran, To Consider Arming Moderate Rebels In U.S.A

After multiple consecutive nights of enormous protests in North America, the world’s foremost leaders met in Tehran to consider initiatives to arm moderate rebels in the United States of America as the country faces unprecedented instability following an election. Iran’s president, Hassan Rouhani, floated the idea of sending military aid […]

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Awaits Full Moon For Sacrament Of Eternal Life

12:00 pm
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Awaits Full Moon For Sacrament Of Eternal Life

  “For the good of the nation,” she whispers as she plunges the ancient dagger into the heart of a wild boar.  Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, looks up at the full moon with completely black eyes, absorbing the life force of the fading creature beneath her.  In […]

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Wait, Is It Too Late For Us To Endorse A Candidate?

November 8, 2016 12:00 pm
Wait, Is It Too Late For Us To Endorse A Candidate?

BREAKING NEWS: Apparently the election is…this week? Oh goddammit. Isn’t there something about how a leap year makes the election a little later or something? Are elections always on leap years? What about daylight savings…Is that a thing? Well we’ve got to be honest — we haven’t really been paying […]

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Swing State Starting To Get Weirded Out By Candidates

October 31, 2016 12:00 pm
Swing State Starting To Get Weirded Out By Candidates

Historically reliable for the Republican party, the state of Texas has recently been declared a swing state in the 2016 presidential election. It has thus become a deeply contested battleground between the Democratic and Republican hopefuls, seeking to cement their electoral victories. However, this increasingly prevalent attention from the candidates […]

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Op-Ed: I Disagree With Both Candidates On Key Issues, But I Still Can’t Find My Dog

October 4, 2016 9:00 am
Op-Ed: I Disagree With Both Candidates On Key Issues, But I Still Can’t Find My Dog

After watching the debate last Monday, I realized that I found Trump incredibly offensive. He constantly interrupted Hillary, contradicted himself, and really had nothing to say after all. His stop-and-frisk strategy to increase law and order seems hastily thought-through, and is likely unconstitutional. And on top of all of that, […]

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Racism Solved After Open Dorm Conversation

September 22, 2016 12:00 pm
Racism Solved After Open Dorm Conversation

Residents of Soto celebrated Thursday evening, as a “frank and honest discussion” about identity completely solved all of the structural inequalities plaguing American society in their infinite intricacy. What began as an innocent discussion about Colin Kaepernick and the nature of American patriotism soon morphed into a full-on discourse about […]

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Room Full of Designers Found Dead Next To New Trump/Pence Logo

July 15, 2016 2:27 pm
Room Full of Designers Found Dead Next To New Trump/Pence Logo
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