In many ways the nation took a big sigh of relief after completely ousting Trump from office two weeks ago, but Dr. Anthony Fauci is breathing particularly freely these days. Having acted as the metaphorical, but also physical, punching bag of Republicans for the past several months, he can finally step outside his house without facing the threat of assassination.
“I haven’t felt this free since I was knocked unconscious in roller derby junior year of high school and laid in blissful peace for 3 days,” Dr. Fauci said as he rolled a behemoth blunt on top of a cutout of Melania’s face. “I can finally go for a walk with my kids without having to incapacitate a couple mercs along the way or look out for predator drones. Restaurant waiters aren’t undercover ninjas anymore. Y’ever forget the feeling of walking down the produce aisle of a Whole Foods without havin’ to get your hands dirty? Some days I miss watching the blood drip out of their masks after I socked ‘em in the face.”
Despite being a face of reason and logic during this pandemic, Dr. Fauci has been tormented to no end as Republicans accuse him of everything from exaggerating the impact of the virus to hiding in their kids’ closets to tickle them at night.
“I swear to golly I saw that Dr. Faucet rubbing Vaseline on all my doorknobs and sneezing in my mayonnaise last night,” senator Chuck Grassley said. “We’re all just supposed to believe we’re in a real-live pandemmy all because this cockatoo of a shrink says so? Yeah, I’ll believe it when Mitch finally grows a pair larger than two olive pits and sends these quacks back to gitmo.”
Even with the lack of attackers, safety’s still top of mind for The Fauc, as he continues to insist on bringing armed bodyguards when he uses the bathroom.