A specter is haunting the teens of America—the specter of cyberbullying. For the past four years the dangers of being On The Internet have been kept at bay by the singular might and courage of ex-First Lady Melania Trump, as attested to by youths like Megan Sharpe, age 17: “A couple years ago somebody commented on my Facebook pro pic that I looked like a dork. Before I could even blink, Ms. Trump flew in through my window like a brick with hair, throwing shards of glass all over my room and also me, before punching a hole clean through my computer screen. ‘That takes care of that,’ she said, and then jumped up into the air, right through the ceiling, burying me in rubble.”
It seemed this golden age would last forever—until “Dr.” Jill Biden pointed a gun at Ms. Trump and told her to leave. While the new First Lady diddles about with “community college,” whatever that is, a cyber-storm has wracked the cyber-psyches of the nation’s cyber-teens. The precise consequences of Ms. Trump’s departure were propounded in an emergency press conference last Friday, where experts presented a diagram depicting a giant-sized Melania Trump holding back the perilous waters of “Cyberbullying” from a vast city of “Vulnerable Youths” with a dam also labeled “Melania Trump”. “Now it’s as though both the dam and the woman are gone,” those experts explained. “And the ante-diluvian has become the diluvian.” They went on to remark that a similar crisis had followed First Lady Michelle Obama’s departure, when all the vegetables suddenly disappeared.
Only a month into the fearsome Doctor Lady Biden’s reign, and teens are already terrified of being alone as they walk home after school—metaphorically speaking, as the only commute Zoom offers is the five-second pop-up that reads “This meeting has been ended by host”. After that brief respite, youths across the nation quail at the knowledge that what awaits them Online is not the mothering embrace of a really big Melania Trump, but the storm-lashed waters of an internet that preys upon them like weird aqua-wolves who swim in that water. Are you overwhelmed by these metaphors? So are teenagers, for whom cyberbullying is the storm, and the water, and the wolves, and also the fish in the water, and—