Trump Family Probably Actually Just A Set of Russian Nesting Dolls

February 9, 2017 12:00 pm
Trump Family Probably Actually Just A Set of Russian Nesting Dolls

Recently, news sources have been claiming that there may finally be an explanation to all of the peculiarities to the Trump family and administration—the Trump family is actually just a set of Russian nesting dolls. Supporters of this theory argue that this is why Trump wants to keep his children […]

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Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

February 7, 2017 12:00 pm
Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

After much controversy surrounding the Trump administration’s embracement of ‘alternative facts’, sociologists at Stanford have concluded that this new troubling fad will eventually give way to ‘indie facts’, which will generally be much more interesting and pleasant. Although alternative facts are all the rage right now, experts have concluded that […]

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All Women’s Issues Fixed Forever

February 3, 2017 1:48 pm
All Women’s Issues Fixed Forever

Last Saturday, over one million people worldwide marched in the Women’s Marches, protesting Donald Trump’s presidency and officially marking the successful end of women’s issues altogether. Such phenomena as unequal pay, objectification, sexual violence, the glass ceiling, general misogyny, and other bummer subjects are over. People everywhere are overjoyed that […]

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Op Ed: I Stepped On Donald Trump While Time Traveling And Now A Butterfly Is The President

January 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Op Ed: I Stepped On Donald Trump While Time Traveling And Now A Butterfly Is The President
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Democrat Who Just Showed Up To First Protest Doesn’t Understand Why Its Platform Is Different From His

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Hundreds gather at Daley Plaza for an anti-Trump rally on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 2017. | Ashlee Rezin/Sun-Times

Reports have come in that during one of the many rallies that took place over the past two weeks, sophomore Junior Milicic “really gave it a shot, guys,” but was confused by the presence of demands not directly consistent with those of the Democratic Party. “I got to the protest, […]

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Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible

January 23, 2017 12:00 pm
Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible
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Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

January 20, 2017 12:00 pm
Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

Growing more uneasy with the decision each passing day, Washington insiders have reported that Trump declared his intent to replace Rand Paul (R-KY) with his purebred stallion, Amazing Horse, after Paul’s decision to vote against the Republican party line on a healthcare initiative. This news is worryingly timed, as leading […]

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My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

January 17, 2017 12:00 pm
My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

We began the day with a light stroll through the farmer’s market down the road. I wanted to hold his hand, but he held them behind his back for the entire forty-five minutes.  I picked up some ingredients for snacks on the picnic we had planned, and only Mike’s favorites: […]

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Quote of the Week 1/16/17

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Quote of the Week 1/16/17

“No way Donald Trump’s gonna drain that swamp” — Swamp Monster, cocking shotgun

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Democrats Deemed Just as Doomed and Hopeless as 2015 GOP

January 10, 2017 12:00 pm
Democrats Deemed Just as Doomed and Hopeless as 2015 GOP

Noting their loss of the White House, their crumbling state-level infrastructure, and their failure to take back several Senate seats previously deemed easy pickups, political analysts of all partisan stripes noted in recent weeks that the Democrats are essentially just as “irreparably, totally doomed” as the Republicans were in 2008, […]

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