Democrat Who Just Showed Up To First Protest Doesn’t Understand Why Its Platform Is Different From His

January 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Hundreds gather at Daley Plaza for an anti-Trump rally on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 2017. | Ashlee Rezin/Sun-Times

Reports have come in that during one of the many rallies that took place over the past two weeks, sophomore Junior Milicic “really gave it a shot, guys,” but was confused by the presence of demands not directly consistent with those of the Democratic Party. “I got to the protest, […]

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Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible

January 23, 2017 12:00 pm
Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible
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Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

January 20, 2017 12:00 pm
Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

Growing more uneasy with the decision each passing day, Washington insiders have reported that Trump declared his intent to replace Rand Paul (R-KY) with his purebred stallion, Amazing Horse, after Paul’s decision to vote against the Republican party line on a healthcare initiative. This news is worryingly timed, as leading […]

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My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

January 17, 2017 12:00 pm
My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

We began the day with a light stroll through the farmer’s market down the road. I wanted to hold his hand, but he held them behind his back for the entire forty-five minutes.  I picked up some ingredients for snacks on the picnic we had planned, and only Mike’s favorites: […]

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Quote of the Week 1/16/17

12:00 pm
Quote of the Week 1/16/17

“No way Donald Trump’s gonna drain that swamp” — Swamp Monster, cocking shotgun

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Democrats Deemed Just as Doomed and Hopeless as 2015 GOP

January 10, 2017 12:00 pm
Democrats Deemed Just as Doomed and Hopeless as 2015 GOP

Noting their loss of the White House, their crumbling state-level infrastructure, and their failure to take back several Senate seats previously deemed easy pickups, political analysts of all partisan stripes noted in recent weeks that the Democrats are essentially just as “irreparably, totally doomed” as the Republicans were in 2008, […]

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White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

December 5, 2016 12:01 pm
White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

While millions of American workers enjoyed a hard-earned break over the Thanksgiving holiday, the team at Washington Vampiric Construction Ltd. was working hard as ever on their fast-paced winter project: a 13thcentury-inspired gothic tomb structure to house Vice President-Elect Mike Pence, a 100% real vampire. Maddy Ellingson, the construction team’s […]

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Student Protests Twitter Character Limit By Not Completing Any of His Sentenc

December 2, 2016 9:00 am
Student Protests Twitter Character Limit By Not Completing Any of His Sentenc

Senior Justin Henshaw rose to Stanford-wide internet infamy Sunday after taking a stand against Twitter’s 140-character limit. Alongside friends who have led the #NoDAPL campus movement against the Dakota Access Pipeline, various walkouts, and several support rallies, Justin has become a strong figurehead for student-led activism at Stanford. “I just really […]

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Fake News Writers Not Sure Whether To Trust News That They Are Out Of A Job

November 28, 2016 12:00 pm
Fake News Writers Not Sure Whether To Trust News That They Are Out Of A Job

INTERNET — This past election cycle, a particularly contentious topic has been fake news sites, websites that intentionally provide misinformation to gullible readers on social media. Up until now, writing for a fake news site was quite easy, but reports of an increasingly cautious public has led bogus news writers […]

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Russia, Iran, To Consider Arming Moderate Rebels In U.S.A

November 14, 2016 5:00 pm
Russia, Iran, To Consider Arming Moderate Rebels In U.S.A

After multiple consecutive nights of enormous protests in North America, the world’s foremost leaders met in Tehran to consider initiatives to arm moderate rebels in the United States of America as the country faces unprecedented instability following an election. Iran’s president, Hassan Rouhani, floated the idea of sending military aid […]

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