Trump Yanked Off Stage In Middle Of Speech By Comically-Oversized Cane

December 4, 2017 12:00 pm
Trump Yanked Off Stage In Middle Of Speech By Comically-Oversized Cane
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Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

12:00 pm
Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday, Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats Order Ninety” strategy. The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98 million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero. Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry regulation. “I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!” In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has announced a recent surplus of government­issued meat, which will be distributed among the homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

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A Congratulations Is In Order: Kim Jong-un Is MARRIED!

November 13, 2017 11:59 am
A Congratulations Is In Order: Kim Jong-un Is MARRIED!

Can you hear the church bells ring and the children jubilantly chant? Well that’s because authoritarian ruler of North Korea Kim Jong-un is MARRIED, baby! It’s speculated that the marriage ceremony took place in 2009, but we just found out right now! This is long overdue, but congratulations on the […]

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Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment

November 8, 2017 12:00 pm
Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment

In a stunning turn of events, word has spread that members of the eternally damned have risen up in a massive simultaneous revolt and seized control of Hell. This uprising rapidly gained momentum and ended with seizure of all of the infinite realm of torment by the revolutionaries, who seem […]

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Taking A Stand: John McCain Disapproves of Tone Used in President Trump’s “Poor People Murder Night” Bill

November 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Taking A Stand: John McCain Disapproves of Tone Used in President Trump’s “Poor People Murder Night” Bill

Well, looks like compromise isn’t dead after all, folks. In a stunning display of putting nation before party, American hero John McCain has broken from Republican orthodoxy and announced that he doesn’t support the tone of President Trump’s recently-introduced “Poor People Murder Night” bill. The legislation, which would give anyone […]

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Outrageous: This Lazy Susan Is Receiving Welfare Handouts Meant for Hard-Working American Cabinets

October 23, 2017 12:00 pm
Outrageous: This Lazy Susan Is Receiving Welfare Handouts Meant for Hard-Working American Cabinets

Chalk this one up to another win for the socialist left, folks: according to reports coming in from Detroit, MI, a lazy susan continues to receive welfare benefits from big government even though it hasn’t made an effort to seek employment and wasn’t even born in the U.S. Disgusting! That […]

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Paul Ryan’s Son Winces as Bedtime “Atlas Shrugged” Reading Enters Hour Six

June 5, 2017 12:00 pm
A young boy is sitting sad and depressed on his bed in his bedroom

JANESVILLE, WI — Praying that his torment would end before sunrise, Speaker Paul Ryan’s eight-year-old son Sam winced early Tuesday morning as his father’s bedside reading of “Atlas Shrugged” entered its sixth consecutive hour. “You have been paying blackmail, not for your vices, but for your virtues,” the Speaker read, […]

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I think Donald Trump Is A Terrible Person, But I Sure Do Love His Music

12:00 pm
I think Donald Trump Is A Terrible Person, But I Sure Do Love His Music
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The Picture Wouldn’t Upload But I’m Just Gonna Describe the Political Cartoon I Drew

12:00 pm
The Picture Wouldn’t Upload But I’m Just Gonna Describe the Political Cartoon I Drew

The Trump administration must be shaking in its boots right now, if they have any idea the shitstorm they’re about to face. When the political cartoon I just wrote hits the mass media tomorrow morning, impeachment is going to be the last of Old Man Trumpy’s problems. Seriously, this little cartoon is […]

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Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”

May 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”

  Gripping tightly in both hands a stack of papers that he described as “terrible stuff”, President Donald Trump gave a press briefing early yesterday morning in which he described the details of an elaborate political conspiracy he’d accidentally uncovered, going so far as to insist that it went “all […]

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