Nevada Loses All Ballots in Game of Poker
As the US Presidential election hangs in the balance, the great state of Nevada has been slow as a snail to report their ballot counts. The Flipside has received inside information that the delay was caused by an high-stakes game of Texas Hold ‘Em, in which Republican Governor Doug Ducey lost “every fucking ballot” in a single hand. This follows accusations from the Trump campaign that ballot counters are “diddling the ballots” and “counting using the fibonacci sequence.” The governor has reportedly told anybody who tries to drag him away from the game to “go suck a cactus” and that in the next round he’ll “win back the entire state of New Mexico.” At press time, Thomas Jefferson briefly rose from the grave to clarify that the grounding fathers “never intended for the American presidency to be decided by Nevada, which everybody knows is a shithole.” He also noted that given recent events, slavery “was probably a mistake.”
BREAKING NEWS: MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki can rail me wherever he wants
I’ve always thought my dream man would be tall, dark, and ruggedly good-looking; a man who I know will treat me wrong, but it will feel so right. After being glued to MSNBC for the past three days, however, watching urgent breaking news reports that we don’t know anything yet, I have realized that there is only one true soulmate out there for me: Steve Kornacki. For the past three days, this khaki-clad suburbanite has been gazing at me non-stop while rattling off facts of how sexy Pennsylvania looks in its tight, tight race, taking only 30 second breaks to snort a line of white fairy off of Rachel Maddow’s smirk. He then returns to persuade me that Miami-Dade county is the mysterious key to all my dreams. At least I think that’s what he is telling me; it’s hard to focus while I watch him move his lanky fingers over the map and wonder what it would feel like to have those fingers inside of me. I oscillate between exploring the richness of his Sahara desert forehead and peering below the belt to determine whether the thing I see is the bulge of his clearly massive penis or a smudge of dirt that comes from wearing the same pair of pants for an entire week. Either way, I know that I have found the man I want to live with, or at least the one I want to rearrange my guts for a half hour of pure bliss.
Alaska ballot counting abruptly stalled; state officials report remaining ballots will be counted after the next great thaw
Voters were left in a state of confusion late Tuesday night when the percentage of ballots reported abruptly stopped at 52% and remained unchanged for several hours. Eventually, Alaskan state officials released a statement saying that the winter freeze came early this year and several polling locations were caught in the center of several giant icebergs that cropped up overnight before the government sanctioned sled-dog squadrons could get through to collect the ballots. “Every year it gets harder and harder to predict when these things will happen. Thankfully we only lost a couple dozen people this time ‘round,” Alaskan state representative Zoey Shoebock said. The remaining ballots will remain in an eternal freeze until the summer rays liberate them from their icey prisons, but the final count is still expected to be released earlier than in Pennsylvania and Georgia.