Hey, you—yeah, you! The jackoff with the ear that looks like a delicate nautilus. Hey, fuck you. I bet you thought we’d write about the coup, right? Thought we’d have something snarky to say about the rioters motorboating a statue of Nancy Pelosi? Well, we don’t. You don’t deserve to snort in derisive amusement—we’re not going to give you that satisfaction. Instead, you’re going to suffer through this whole article while we never once mention the so-called insurrection. How do you like that, little piggy? Oink, oink. 

If Josh Hawley, Class of ’02, taught us one thing, it’s that the stupid shit you do in college can have a really big impact on the world. A really bad impact. He copied his friend’s CS 106A P-set just once, y’know, and now he’s responsible for goading on an armed coup at the United States Capitol. With my track record, for comparison, it seems I’ll be committing a small-to-medium-sized genocide before I turn thirty—all I need is a violent stepfather and a neckbeard. That’s why we’re not even going to mention the coup, hereon known only as “the c-word.”

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know. You want some spicy comical takes that will reorient your perspective and highlight the satirical absurdité of the world we live in, like a gust of alpine breeze on the back of the stinking nape of your sweaty neck. Are you gonna beg for it, you neo-liberal freak? Are you gonna roll over and lick my Birkenstocks? Well, tough shit. The ideas we cook up at meeting, the ones so delectable and dazzling that only we, the elite’s elite, get to see—Trump getting kicked off Axess, Pornhub banning incest porn—that’s all the comedy we need. While the world looks at the Capitol with mild concern, we’re more interested in knowing why you haven’t been to the gym yet this year. When was the last time you ate something green, or hell, saw something green? You hideous piece of shit. While neo-Nazis auction off Capitol Hill’s tampon dispenser, we’ll be taking on the evergreen New Year’s resolution jokes, starting with your feeble attempts to commit to a healthier lifestyle. None of this fancy-pancy-political-satire bullshit.

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