According to inside sources, interior designer Michelle Lin and a rowdy collection of brutalist, baroque, and bauhaus experts took up MAGA hats, masks, and themed paint samples alongside the crowd of pro-Trump rioters in hopes of breaking in to the U.S. Capitol and redecorating. Family and friends close to Lin have attested to her poring, in the days before the now-infamous riot, over a billboard with pictures of the Capitol building’s interior and string laced between them in indecipherable patterns, muttering into a walkie-talkie about “that Neoclassical vibe that’s so 18th century”.

Capitol police and arrested rioters alike have, after the storming of the Capitol, recalled seeing a woman leading a line of classically-dressed figures fanatically taking measurements of curtains and tutting at “the gauche trim on the picture frame on the wall over there—just unforgivable, really,” while rioters swarmed around them chanted white supremacist slogans. Lin was later heard ranting to a thinning crowd of initially-intrigued-but-soon-confused rioters about how the décor of the Capitol building was a more damning sign of legislative decadence than any overtly political action while her followers offered pamphlets containing scathing criticisms about the lack of mid-1900’s era detailing to anyone who would take them.

The troope wasn’t just satisfied with verbal criticism, either, reportedly hunting down any senators they could get their hands on. Bystanders reported seeing Lin chasing down fleeing members and whipping them with a tape measure, screaming at them to explain the overuse of Doric columns. Her followers were eventually forced to coax her down when she threatened to “kill this fucking senator if you don’t make this shit Bauhaus right now,” gesturing to a writhing Lindsey Graham with the tape measure around his neck. 

At press time, the FBI was conducting a search for Lin and her crew across three states in order to retrieve House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lectern, which was last seen being hoisted out of a window and into a van by the crew after Lin threatened another rioter at gunpoint to “hand us that lectern so we can at least fix the damn varnish, or, so help me God, I’ll be washing bloodstains out of it, too.” 

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