South Carolina shocked the nation when it declared last Friday that it would be seceding from the Federal Union, issuing a statement that argued for states’ rights to have a racist and fascist for a President, disallow the use of face masks, and generally abuse the people of the nation as politicians see fit. The states of much of the Southeast and Midwest followed suit, with the notable exception of the state of Georgia, which has been reported as saying, “Oh, no, Mister Sherman, we don’t want no trouble, we’ve been good, sir, we don’t want no Second March to the Sea.” 

Tensions were high following that wave of secessions, and finally boiled over after the renegade coalition—calling itself the Trumpfederate—fired its cannons on Fort Sumter, situated in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina, which is reported to have surrendered out of confusion about why the military was firing antique weapons at a historical park. War was formally declared not long after, along with rumors that the DNC plans to give Biden a sword, put him on a horse, and pump him full of amphetamines to lead a charge in cinematic and heart-stopping glory. 

Despite this early victory at Fort Sumter, the situation seems grim for the Trumpfederate, which lacks in manufacturing infrastructure and ethics: Northern generals have proposed a “Snake Operation”, a blockade of ships clad in iron that will prevent Southern ships from successfully negotiating trade for supplies with foreign allies like Britain and France, the latter of which has reportedly commented that, “Eez amuzing to watch ze littol Américains fight amongzt zemselvez.” The ships themselves are a recent military innovation, manufactured after one worker asked why they were still making boats out of wood in 2020. 

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