Asshole Wants Poutine

January 3, 2017 12:00 pm
Asshole Wants Poutine

CHICAGO, IL – According to several reports within the close-knit friend group, requests from area man Mike LaVan to secure a poutine-based meal have grown increasingly urgent over the past 24-48 minutes. Poutine, Canada’s favorite heap of heart-stopping glop, is reportedly “right around the corner…and smells really good,” according to LaVan. “You guys, […]

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Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool

December 5, 2016 12:00 pm
Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool

Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool A yearly tradition ended in tragedy late Saturday night when freshman Jay Garbsby was found floating facedown in the Avery Aquatic Center by campus police. “Well, we’d been at Frosh Formal for a while” Nick Maguire, Garbsby’s roommate, […]

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Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

November 30, 2016 9:00 am
Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

Our nation stands divided. After an incredibly bitter and emotional election season, America’s melting pot has been transformed into an unhappy cauldron of resentment. But, in these troubled times, it is all the more important to listen to one another, which is why, despite my not agreeing with you in […]

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Op Ed: I Looked Pretty Cool Leaving My Midterm Early

November 28, 2016 12:00 pm
Op Ed: I Looked Pretty Cool Leaving My Midterm Early

So I had my Chem midterm this week, and I thought it was actually really easy. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, especially because I barely studied. I had, like, 3 papers due this week and another midterm coming up, so I honestly didn’t even care about […]

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Freshman signs up for 21 units doing great 100s of friends wow incredible

November 14, 2016 12:00 pm
Freshman signs up for 21 units doing great 100s of friends wow incredible
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Students Enter Battle of the Bands to Save Stanford from Developers

November 7, 2016 12:00 pm
Students Enter Battle of the Bands to Save Stanford from Developers

STANFORD, CA— What seemed like another beautiful year at Stanford University may turn out to be its last. Unable to pay the $500 it owes to real estate developers, Stanford will be bulldozed at the end of the month to make way for new condominiums. As the foreclosure date nears, […]

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Palo Alto High School Administration Insists That Drawings On Bathroom Walls Are Actually “Elephants Without Ears”

November 3, 2016 2:14 pm
Palo Alto High School Administration Insists That Drawings On Bathroom Walls Are Actually “Elephants Without Ears”

Claiming the artwork was misunderstood and misrepresented, the school administration finally dispelled the confusion surrounding allegedly ‘vulgar’ drawings on bathroom stalls. Found mostly in male bathrooms, these drawings — usually consisting of two circles and an unnaturally long ellipse — were originally thought to have been drawn by Palo Alto […]

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Area Boy Big Kid, Won’t Trick Or Treat This Year

October 28, 2016 12:00 pm
Area Boy Big Kid, Won’t Trick Or Treat This Year

Palo Alto, CA — Sunday, October 17th, Area rapscallion Billy Thompson, 12, reportedly stepped out of his room with an important announcement to make: “I’m a big kid now, and I won’t be trick-or-treating this year.” His self-satisfied smile said it all — the rite-of-passage into adulthood was complete. “I […]

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Op-Ed: Believe Me, I Totally Read the Stanford Daily

October 24, 2016 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Believe Me, I Totally Read the Stanford Daily

Normally I don’t read newspapers, but recently I sat down on a couch in the library and on the table in front of me I saw a copy of the Stanford Daily. I figured “hey, if this newspaper is everywhere, it can’t be that bad, right?” So here are my […]

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Area Middle Schooler To Call Friends Parent’s “You” For Next Six Years

October 17, 2016 12:00 pm
Area Middle Schooler To Call Friends Parent’s “You” For Next Six Years
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