“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

April 9, 2017 12:00 pm
“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

STANFORD, CA—Citing the French leader’s devastating military campaigns and egomaniacal desire for power, sophomore Chaz Jackson reportedly declared Napoleon Bonaparte a “douche” in yesterday’s FRENCH 132 section. “Yeah, I mean, I guess he did some cool stuff, but at the end of the day Napoleon was really just a big […]

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Area Coach Reminds Team That There Is One Meat In “Team”

March 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Area Coach Reminds Team That There Is One Meat In “Team”
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Man Shouts “Theater” In Crowded Fire

March 11, 2017 9:52 am
Man Shouts “Theater” In Crowded Fire
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Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

March 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

When local sex-haver Vikram Üntergrim went to get a free STD screening at Vaden, he was worried that his frequent hookups had left him with some sort of venereal disease. But the diagnosis he ultimately received was far worse: he had harpies. “The first time I realized that something might […]

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Man’s Slang Lexicon Deemed Lame-Skididdly

February 13, 2017 5:33 pm
Man’s Slang Lexicon Deemed Lame-Skididdly
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Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be

12:00 pm
Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be

Eyewitnesses at Stern Dining have reported that the cafeteria’s salsa verde is trying real hard to look like guacamole but that it doesn’t, can’t, and never will. It just isn’t smart enough. “That stupid, stupid salsa verde is acting like people actually think it’s guac”, noted regular Stern diner and […]

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Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit

February 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit

Realizing the whole of its temperature-maintaining design ethos was being ignored so that it could serve as a “glorified Poland Spring disposable”, the coffee thermos owned by Yusef Dominguez insisted on Monday that it was way too overqualified for its current work assignment. “Do you see what I’m being used […]

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Santana’s “Smooth” Blankets Area CVS In Cloud Of Sinful Lust

12:00 pm
Santana’s “Smooth” Blankets Area CVS In Cloud Of Sinful Lust

Beaming sinfully in over the sultry airwaves of 90.7 FM, Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas’s smash 1999 Latin-fusion seducto-jam “Smooth” enveloped the Menlo Park CVS Sunday in a cloud of amorous yearning. “One second I was comparing the Lever 2000 original bar soap with the Abra Therapeutics Body scrub, and […]

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Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

January 29, 2017 12:00 pm
Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

Q: Hi ‘Landfill’! I’ve been crushing on a girl on my floor for weeks, and we shared a sweet smooch at Full Moon. How do I know if there’s chemistry between us, or if our lip lock was just lunar lust? Yours, Confused in Crothers A: Oh hey there, hotshot. […]

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The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

January 23, 2017 12:00 pm
The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

RENO, NV – Last week, police arrested the Muffin Man, 59, in a residential area of Reno, Nevada after receiving disturbing reports from neighbors.  Local residents called police after the Muffin Man reportedly began violently knocking on doors asking for a ride to Drury Lane while wearing nothing but a […]

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