Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

January 29, 2017 12:00 pm
Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

Q: Hi ‘Landfill’! I’ve been crushing on a girl on my floor for weeks, and we shared a sweet smooch at Full Moon. How do I know if there’s chemistry between us, or if our lip lock was just lunar lust? Yours, Confused in Crothers A: Oh hey there, hotshot. […]

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The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

January 23, 2017 12:00 pm
The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

RENO, NV – Last week, police arrested the Muffin Man, 59, in a residential area of Reno, Nevada after receiving disturbing reports from neighbors.  Local residents called police after the Muffin Man reportedly began violently knocking on doors asking for a ride to Drury Lane while wearing nothing but a […]

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Op Ed: Please Stop Treading on My Snake

January 13, 2017 9:00 am
Op Ed: Please Stop Treading on My Snake

When I got a pet snake for Christmas, I thought it would be nice to bring it back to school and let it live in my dorm with me. I imagined it slithering from room to room, bringing a little serpentine cheer to all whom it encountered. Call me a […]

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Asshole Wants Poutine

January 3, 2017 12:00 pm
Asshole Wants Poutine

CHICAGO, IL – According to several reports within the close-knit friend group, requests from area man Mike LaVan to secure a poutine-based meal have grown increasingly urgent over the past 24-48 minutes. Poutine, Canada’s favorite heap of heart-stopping glop, is reportedly “right around the corner…and smells really good,” according to LaVan. “You guys, […]

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Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool

December 5, 2016 12:00 pm
Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool

Roaring 20s-Themed Frosh Formal Ends When Student Shot To Death In Pool A yearly tradition ended in tragedy late Saturday night when freshman Jay Garbsby was found floating facedown in the Avery Aquatic Center by campus police. “Well, we’d been at Frosh Formal for a while” Nick Maguire, Garbsby’s roommate, […]

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Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

November 30, 2016 9:00 am
Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

Our nation stands divided. After an incredibly bitter and emotional election season, America’s melting pot has been transformed into an unhappy cauldron of resentment. But, in these troubled times, it is all the more important to listen to one another, which is why, despite my not agreeing with you in […]

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Op Ed: I Looked Pretty Cool Leaving My Midterm Early

November 28, 2016 12:00 pm
Op Ed: I Looked Pretty Cool Leaving My Midterm Early

So I had my Chem midterm this week, and I thought it was actually really easy. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, especially because I barely studied. I had, like, 3 papers due this week and another midterm coming up, so I honestly didn’t even care about […]

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Freshman signs up for 21 units doing great 100s of friends wow incredible

November 14, 2016 12:00 pm
Freshman signs up for 21 units doing great 100s of friends wow incredible
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Students Enter Battle of the Bands to Save Stanford from Developers

November 7, 2016 12:00 pm
Students Enter Battle of the Bands to Save Stanford from Developers

STANFORD, CA— What seemed like another beautiful year at Stanford University may turn out to be its last. Unable to pay the $500 it owes to real estate developers, Stanford will be bulldozed at the end of the month to make way for new condominiums. As the foreclosure date nears, […]

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Palo Alto High School Administration Insists That Drawings On Bathroom Walls Are Actually “Elephants Without Ears”

November 3, 2016 2:14 pm
Palo Alto High School Administration Insists That Drawings On Bathroom Walls Are Actually “Elephants Without Ears”

Claiming the artwork was misunderstood and misrepresented, the school administration finally dispelled the confusion surrounding allegedly ‘vulgar’ drawings on bathroom stalls. Found mostly in male bathrooms, these drawings — usually consisting of two circles and an unnaturally long ellipse — were originally thought to have been drawn by Palo Alto […]

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