Boston, MA— In protest of recent Covid-19 closures, a 7-month-old fœtus is refusing to be born unless ivy league universities reopen in the fall semester. “Ehhhh…. yous guys oughta get yous degrees so yous can woik at Goldman Sachs.” He adds, “Baby needs his melk, needs his moolah.”

He seems to have picked up the Long Island accent of his grandparents, who are unintelligent. Still, this fœtus is extremely smart, maybe even smarter than you. Not only does he talk; he can also sing, urinate, and play all of the Mozart sonatas on a piano he constructed with materials available in the womb. He is also male.

Concerns about public safety are beginning to eclipse the enthusiasm expressed by scientists on the new “fœtal phenom.” Various Harvard higher-ups received threatening, anonymous messages made of alphabet blocks. The more tame of these notes reads something like this: “You bastards! You bastards! I want my goddamn education… You’re fired!” Some ivy league administrators report hearing Mozart’s 10th playing in the dead of night. Others hear echoes of Tony Montana yelling, “Say hello to my little friend! Say hello to my little friend! Say hello to my little friend!” On repeat.

The fœtus himself claims to know “nada, zip, zilch” of the matter. “Alls I know is I ain’t leaving this oven ’till Harvard comes to their senses and the Ralph Lauren on Madison Avenue reopens.”

The parents are choosing between the names Archibald, Humphrey, Scarface, and Winthrop.

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