The sun was out, the birds were chirping, and the 8.5-inch rubber dodgeballs were ready to fly. The captains were chosen per the tried-and-true unspoken understanding of who was most popular, and the masses lined up as seriously as if they were being drafted to go fight on the front lines.

What happened next can only be deemed as revolutionary as the Tennis Court Oath of 1789. Seventh-grader Timmy Jibbles, described as a “real stand-up kid, no bad bone in his body” by his math teacher, and “a hot-rod with a slammin’ bod” by his family, had the first pick, and everyone thought it was a no-brainer: there was no way he wouldn’t choose his right-hand man Dexter Fernberg! But, after three agonizing seconds of walking down the line of choices like a local fisherman inspecting his catch to see which would sell well at the market that day, he pointed not at D-Fern, but instead at measly Wally Witherspoon.

“It was like watching God walk down from the heavens to choose who would play him in the live action movie of his life, but instead of choosing a Fight Club-era Brad Pitt, he chose a circa-2004 Shia Labeouf,” life science teacher Deborah Donnahue said. “We were all astounded.”

While everyone else was frozen in a state of utter disbelief, Wally Witherspoon was walking on clouds. “I didn’t know that any of my classmates even knew my name, let alone a chad like J-Bird,” Witherspoon said. “I’d never felt more powerful in my life than the moment when his big, beefy finger chose me. No more swirlies, no more lockers full of rat feces. Not with Timmy at my side.”

When the news of this heroic act spread, people realized there really was no reason for bullying anymore. If an absolute stud like Timmy Jibbles could put aside his differences and choose an Oscar Meier weiner like Wally Witherspoon for something as sacred as his recess dodgeball team, couldn’t we all put aside our differences for the greater good?

At press time, Timmy was set to embark on a nationwide middle school speaking tour in order to promote his newly published tell-all memoir titled How I Cured Bullying, And You Can Too.

You May Also Like

Freshman Finally Bunks Bed

Twain Freshman Timothy Walker has officially bunked his bed, despite there being…

Stanford May or May Not Hold Waitlist Weekend Sometime in the Middle of June

In an effort to foster unity among the admitted and waitlisted students,…