Dear Aunt Doris,

I am proud of you. You have worked hard and you can now use the internet and also dance. I know that this is a strange time, but I love you. Aunt Doris, your husband is a farmer in Idaho and so are you. Thank goodness: you will not have to go outside too much. Everything you need is on your farm, where you plant plants and water and harvest them, and then you sing praises to Ol’ Donald and try not to think about death. When you butt-Skype me at odd hours of the night, which is to say before 1 PM, I can overhear from your TV the sounds of beautiful women insulting science.

I see that you have been on Facebook. In the past three weeks, I have received thirty-seven friend requests from you. I do not mean to offend, but I must point out that you can use your existing account instead of creating a new one every time you log in. I can teach you how, if you like, over Skype.

Thank you for sending me the videos of you dancing. You have decided to take on a new hobby. Good for you. It is never too late to be a star. You should thank Barb for bragging about her recent forays into salsa over email. Barb is an amateur, but you have real skill, even though you are not as experienced. Barb is also a city girl—I hope you never realize that she has only pursued the salsa because she is social distancing, which means she is a Leftist.

Keep dancing and don’t leave your property. You have everything you need. Also, if you leave, the feds will find you and only the Lord knows what the bastards are capable of.

XOXO,

Liz

Harvard 2004 | B.A. Philosophy Libra <3

Elitist <3 <3

You May Also Like

Op-Ed: It’s Time Somebody Put to Rest the Rumors That Condi And I Are Having Warm, Delicious Sex

By: John Hennesey Look, I’m not faulting anybody here.  I know how…

Emboldened by Promising StartX Investments, Stanford Looking to Speculate on Real Estate

After years of allocating housing through an inefficient draw system, the Office…

Stanford Unveils Rhetoric of FOX News For Winter Quarter

In an apparent move to cut costs, the Stanford PWR program has…

NASA doesn’t know that there’s a bunch of rocks spinning towards the earth gonna kill us all now that they don’t have summer interns anymore and they spend all their time inside from the corono virus instead of outside looking at the sky