Outrageous: This Lazy Susan Is Receiving Welfare Handouts Meant for Hard-Working American Cabinets

October 23, 2017 12:00 pm
Outrageous: This Lazy Susan Is Receiving Welfare Handouts Meant for Hard-Working American Cabinets

Chalk this one up to another win for the socialist left, folks: according to reports coming in from Detroit, MI, a lazy susan continues to receive welfare benefits from big government even though it hasn’t made an effort to seek employment and wasn’t even born in the U.S. Disgusting! That […]

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For Sale: Mister Blister

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For Sale: Mister Blister

Are you a small-to-midsize ointment supplier looking to take your business in an exciting new direction? Do you sell lotions, online or door-to-door, but want to develop a more cohesive brand identity? Have you always dreamt of creating an icon as recognizable as Tony the Tiger or the Geico Gecko? […]

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Freshman Who Lied About Watching Game of Thrones Now In Too Deep

October 16, 2017 5:00 pm
Freshman Who Lied About Watching Game of Thrones Now In Too Deep

In devastating news out of Burbank this past week, freshman Ken Seley has realized he is “in too deep” in his ongoing lie — initially told in an effort to be more relatable to his peers — that he watches the popular HBO series Game of Thrones. The problem first […]

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Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

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Search for Missing Ugly Child Winds Down After Hour 2

Greenwich, CONNECTICUT — This past Monday, reportedly distraught parents Jill and Gary Whiteburger found themselves nearly unable to enjoy their biweekly yachting excursion. It was a tough weekend for the young, beautiful couple who awoke Sunday morning to find that their visually unappealing eight-year-old son Elliot, a boy who had been […]

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Op-Ed: Do You Not See The Slugs?!

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Op-Ed: Do You Not See The Slugs?!

Whoa, all of these slugs are really starting to get annoying, right? Those slick sacks of goo are just all over the damn place.  Don’t you just hate slipping on, crushing, and murdering whole families of slugs? I mean, what’s up with that?  I feel like there should’ve been some […]

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Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

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Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

Diners at Arrillaga Family Dining Commons report that, as of 12:15pm last Thursday, some fucking asshole is playing the piano and shows no signs of stopping. “What, does he actually think anyone wants to hear this shit?” asks a regular of Arrillaga dining, Junior Arthur Petrula. “Here I am, trying […]

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Sophomore “Too Successful” After Switching Major to CS Halfway Through Career Fair

October 9, 2017 5:00 pm
Young smiling man holding his resume applying for a job

As application season for summer jobs swings into full gear, one enterprising student has found trouble in an unexpected place: after changing his major to CS halfway through a career fair, sophomore Noah Evans was overwhelmed by “so, so many” job offers. “I was actually a Classics major up through the […]

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Roommate’s Cactus Looking Awfully Judgmental Right Now

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Roommate’s Cactus Looking Awfully Judgmental Right Now

Stanford, CA—Noting that the succulent sure had a strange look about it, sophomore Nicolas Dermond reported yesterday that his roommate’s cactus, which commands an uncomfortably central position in their one-room double and, if it had eyes, could see just about everything, was looking awfully judgmental right now. “Jesus, did he […]

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Op-Ed: Hello, I Am Forky The Spoon, Social Pariah

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Op-Ed: Hello, I Am Forky The Spoon, Social Pariah

Salutations.  I write to you from the prison of my earthly carcass, the simple form of a stainless steel handle extending into a shallow bowl shape.  I am currently huddled in the dark corner of my jailor’s utensil drawer, exiled by my intolerant and bigoted peers.  I am Forky the […]

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The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

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The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

David Attenborough, that mischievous scamp who does the voice-overs on BBC’s award-winning Planet Earth, is always encouraging me to murder my pet birds. Here are the top five strategies he’s attempted. The Time He Backed It Up With Evidence Mr. Attenborough is first and foremost a man of science, so […]

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