Villagers Concerned Tourists With Cameras Will Steal Their Intellectual Property Rights

April 26, 2017 12:00 pm
Tourists

Reports are showing that panic has risen in a local rural village ever since the Robinson family arrived with large and fancy cameras. The people of the village are particularly worried that these cameras will allow the American tourists to steal the villagers’ intellectual property rights to images of themselves, […]

Read more ›

Op-ed: Here’s what you need to know about those fuzzy little caterpillars

April 25, 2017 9:00 am
Op-ed: Here’s what you need to know about those fuzzy little caterpillars

If you’ve been particularly observant this quarter, you may have noticed one display of the awe-inspiring flora and fauna on our beautiful campus: the Western tussock caterpillar. These tiny buggers are truly amazing feats of nature, crawling right under our noses here in Stanford, Calif! Here’s a few quick facts […]

Read more ›

Report: This is the Worst Dolphin

April 24, 2017 12:00 pm
Report: This is the Worst Dolphin

If we were to rank every single dolphin from best to worst, this would be the very bottom. Look at it. Where the fuck is it even, a swamp? It can’t even manage to get into a tributary or inland sea? No, it can’t. Because it’s a dumb wrinkly piece […]

Read more ›

Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

12:00 pm
Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

Ah, springtime: the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and the pulsating eggs at the bottom of every boba tea are slowly starting to hatch! Do you hear that noise? The dull drone of a million oozing flesh-pods, ready to burst? It’s the boba eggs, beginning to crack their […]

Read more ›

Op-Ed: The Many Reasons I Am No Longer Allowed In My Dentist’s Office

12:00 pm
Op-Ed: The Many Reasons I Am No Longer Allowed In My Dentist’s Office

I guess the first thing I did wrong was the eye thing. I didn’t break eye contact with the dental hygienist until big, bulbous tears were streaming from my eyes, which were also audibly shaking after not blinking for 20 minutes. I could see how that could make someone uncomfortable.  […]

Read more ›

Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose

9:00 am
Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose

Underscoring its diminished political capital, low approval ratings, and crippling internal dysfunction, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer warned North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un on Tuesday of how little the present administration has to lose. “There is nothing more dangerous than an executive branch with its back against the […]

Read more ›

Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

April 17, 2017 12:01 pm
Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

Editor’s note: This article was written on Saturday, prior to the release of the ASSU election results. Like you, we’re pretty damn sure the Flipside slate will win. Come on. Everyone knows that elections for ASSU exec are just a big popularity contest- a way for the cool, social, pretty […]

Read more ›

Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

12:00 pm
Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

In the most expansive change of its kind in Stanford history, university administration has announced the upcoming release of a revolutionary new student web portal that will make it easier to access all the other student web portals that already exist. The new application, called CardinalNext, will provide an intuitive, […]

Read more ›

Open Letter to Marc Tessier Lavigne: “I Will Never Trust a Person with the Name Marc Because it Rhymes with Narc, Which is a Bad Type of Police Officer”

12:00 pm
Open Letter to Marc Tessier Lavigne: “I Will Never Trust a Person with the Name Marc Because it Rhymes with Narc, Which is a Bad Type of Police Officer”

Dear President Lavigne, As I’m sure you know by now, your first name, Marc, is a name that many famous people share with you. Marc Bell, the drummer for The Ramones, for instance, and also Marc Bell, the beloved Canadian cartoonist. It is a terrific name, particularly because it ends […]

Read more ›

Report: Weather Thing Different In Other Place

12:00 pm
Report: Weather Thing Different In Other Place

STANFORD, CA – Scientists have studied weather things like snow, humidity, and tornados in a number of places. There is often no way of knowing whether these weather things vary in different geographical locations. In a groundbreaking report by a person who was born and raised in a different place […]

Read more ›