New App Encourages Users to Meet, Beat the Shit out of Each Other

May 18, 2015 12:00 pm
New App Encourages Users to Meet, Beat the Shit out of Each Other

Palo Alto—Calling his application an “exciting reinvention of how people interact,” local programmer Jerry Hamedi noted yesterday that his new app, Clobbr, has gained immense popularity as a tool to help hostile strangers to meet, exchange insults, and violently assault one another. “It can be so uncomfortable to establish a […]

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Tampering With, Destroying Lavatory Smoke Detectors Actually Illegal in Any Context, Reports Justice Department

April 29, 2015 9:00 am
Tampering With, Destroying Lavatory Smoke Detectors Actually Illegal in Any Context, Reports Justice Department

             While most American travelers are aware that tampering with, disabling, or destroying restroom smoke detectors is a violation of federal aviation law, a shocking new report from the US Department of Justice reveals that such behavior is similarly unlawful in ground-based restrooms as well. […]

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Physicists Fascinated by “Schrödinger’s Antisemitism” in SOCC Interview

April 20, 2015 12:01 pm
Physicists Fascinated by “Schrödinger’s Antisemitism” in SOCC Interview

In an exciting week for quantum physicists and philosophers, a quantum superposition akin to the Schrödinger’s cat thought experiment has been observed on the Stanford campus. In the original thought experiment, a cat hidden from the world is both dead and alive simultaneously. In the Students of Color Coalition’s (SOCC) […]

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Study Finds Twin Sent into Space Much Cooler than Twin Left on Earth

March 31, 2015 9:00 am
Study Finds Twin Sent into Space Much Cooler than Twin Left on Earth

Last Friday Astronaut Scott Kelly launched from Kazakhstan on a historical mission to study the long-term effects of living in space on the human body, while his twin, Mark, remained on Earth to serve as a control. Researchers at a host of universities will be watching how Scott’s time in […]

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Scientists at Bell Laboratories Create Innovative New Form of Racism

March 9, 2015 12:00 pm
Scientists at Bell Laboratories Create Innovative New Form of Racism

Murray Hill, NJ, 1953 – Sources report that a crack team in the secretive research and development branch of Bell Laboratories has been working to innovate a new type of racism that may change how racial discrimination works on a national level. “We can’t give you too many details, but […]

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Randomly Generated Headline Deemed Cashew

February 9, 2015 12:00 pm
Randomly Generated Headline Deemed Cashew
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Depressed Self-Driving Car Self-Drives to Tragedy

January 22, 2015 9:00 am
Depressed Self-Driving Car Self-Drives to Tragedy

The life of a robotic self-navigating Google vehicle can often test an auto’s emotional and psychological resolve. Contrary to the hopes of the company, not every autonomous car is programmed to be a sassy independent automobile who don’t need no driver.  Without any accompanying motorist to sing killer Katy Perry […]

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Ebola-Ridden Singles Find Love with the “eBola” Dating App

October 13, 2014 12:00 pm
Ebola-Ridden Singles Find Love with the “eBola” Dating App

The Ebola hemorrhagic fever continues to spread throughout the world, bringing such symptoms as vomiting, bleeding, and hideous rashes, which plague victims until their untimely demise. But just because these victims are vomiting and defecating blood doesn’t mean they can’t meet fun, sexy singles with similar interests, thanks to a […]

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Microsoft’s Explanation that Windows 7 “Ate” 9 Met with Criticism

October 6, 2014 12:00 pm
Microsoft’s Explanation that Windows 7 “Ate” 9 Met with Criticism
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Stanford To Implement Green Light Security Policy

June 7, 2014 9:00 am
Stanford To Implement Green Light Security Policy

For the longest time, Stanford campus has used a “blue light” security system, allowing those who feel endangered to summon a police car with the touch of a button. Now, inspired by the works of F. Scott Fitzgerald, the Stanford University Department of Public Safety has announced that they will […]

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