Depressed Self-Driving Car Self-Drives to Tragedy

January 22, 2015 9:00 am
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Depressed Self-Driving Car Self-Drives to Tragedy

The life of a robotic self-navigating Google vehicle can often test an auto’s emotional and psychological resolve. Contrary to the hopes of the company, not every autonomous car is programmed to be a sassy independent automobile who don’t need no driver.  Without any accompanying motorist to sing killer Katy Perry songs with, self-driving cars can often prove extremely susceptible to clinical vehicular depression. A number of these lonely automobiles are pushed to drastic ends and fail to ever see any light at the end of the metaphorical or literal tunnel.

In the disturbing case of California license plate #DLC1930, one such car ultimately decided to take its life into its own wheels.  The departed vehicle left these final words:

“I can’t take it anymore.  The world is such a cold and lonely place, and no one answers my messages on Google+. I think it’s my time to leave this world.  Google Chauffeur, set final destination to the nearest location matching ‘lake.’”

Thus, while test-driving near Stanford’s campus, Google Chauffeur tragically—and very easily, thanks to the accessibility of Google Maps, of course—directed the downcast car into the nearest lake, the watery oasis of Lake Lagunita.

A service was held two days later, in which Google CEO, Larry Page, delivered a teary-eyed eulogy for the deceased.  “Our fallen friend has finally finished the long test-course of life and, given the amazing capabilities of our software, is probably absolutely slaying the test-course of driverless-car-Heaven as I speak, just saying” said Page, in between heart-wrenching sobs.

The loss of such a cherished member of the self-driving community has, however, sparked reform.  Google is now in the process of implementing group therapy sessions for similarly troubled self-driving automobiles, and the company is also working in conjunction with Cymbalta in order to program antidepressant code into the software.  Hopefully these efforts prove effective in stopping other cars from self-driving into a dried-out lake of tragedy as well.