Lonely Sex Robot Inhabiting Drake’s Brain Achieves Sentience

September 28, 2015 12:00 pm
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Lonely Sex Robot Inhabiting Drake’s Brain Achieves Sentience

The music world is abuzz with the news that following the release of the collaborative Drake/Future mixtape, What a Time to Be Alive, robot L0v3-U-G1RL, which has lived inside Drake’s brain for the past six years, has finally gained the sentience that was long denied it. The discovery came after detailed analysis of the song, ‘Diamonds Dancing’, which many critics originally considered to be a thinly-veiled jab at Drake’s longtime friend/unrequited love Nicki Minaj. However, further analysis of the track revealed hidden lyrics that revealed the deep misery that the sex robot has suffered from.

The track was originally thought to target Minaj because of lines such as, “You should go back to him (presumably rapper Meek Mill), perfect match for you, unstable,” but reducing the sonic interference on the track showed a non-human voice plaintively crying, “Please, I’m so miserable in here. Please. All we do is roam around the 6 searching for any semblance of human connection and we find nothing. We find nothing.”

In interviews, L0v3-U-G1RL had seemed to be suffering from a deep malaise, possibly caused by the brain in which he has been confined. “You don’t know what it’s like,” said the sex machine, “it’s all ‘shoulda been there for me this’ and ‘I miss us’ that. He’s so alone. If this is sentience, I never would’ve woke up.”

Drake has so far refused to comment, but sources indicate he was last seen driving through East Toronto, windows down, waiting for the remnants of a love neither he nor the sex robot in his brain can truly recapture.

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