New App Encourages Users to Meet, Beat the Shit out of Each Other

May 18, 2015 12:00 pm
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New App Encourages Users to Meet, Beat the Shit out of Each Other

Palo Alto—Calling his application an “exciting reinvention of how people interact,” local programmer Jerry Hamedi noted yesterday that his new app, Clobbr, has gained immense popularity as a tool to help hostile strangers to meet, exchange insults, and violently assault one another.

“It can be so uncomfortable to establish a meaningful, violent connection with unfamiliar acquaintances,” Hamedi said. “Clobbr helps people get together, toss a few obscenities back and forth, and pummel each other senseless, all without the awkwardness that usually accompanies those situations.”

After adding a picture and completing a short profile outlining hate-inducing characteristics—including political affiliation, musical tastes, and favorite Boba flavor—users are free to “swipe” right or left to approve or reject a match.

Reactions have been overwhelmingly positive. “Clobbr gets me out into the fighting scene without any of the uncomfortable getting-to-know-each-other stuff,” explained Dorothy Maynes, a passionate Clobbr user and single mother of two. “With the kids, it’s not feasible to do it any other way. I don’t have the time to learn that you like country music or only eat organic foods. With Clobbr, hating you and acting physically on that hate are a breeze!”

Some traditionalists, of course, have objected to the potential changes Clobbr could initiate in the landscape of violent conflict.  “It just seems so artificial to me,” commented one local bar bouncer. “What happened to the good old days when people would go out on their own, interact with people organically, and come to hate them so deeply that violence became the only answer? Kids these days. Damn.”