It’s common knowledge that all proper criminals have fantastic marketing. For the astrology fans, you have the zodiac killer. For the wrestling fans, you have Jack the Ripper. For the robot heads out there, you have Mark Zuckerberg. Receiving the lauded title of infamy requires finding your niche and running with a sweet, sweet font.

But with such a wide variety of typological mischief to choose from, how is one to make a choice?

As the well-documented expert on such matters, the Flipside is happy to provide such counseling services for those looking to further develop their resume of stabbing-stabby.

If you want your bomb threat to be taken seriously, it is crucial that you choose a font that invokes terror in the hearts of your target audience. Size does matter. Choose an audience too large and you’ll get laughed off stage like the pathetic little pig boy you are. Choose an audience too small and you become a party story that gets told for generations, like the one about the time you got a straw stuck up your nose trying to snort powdered smarties (you were 17. How amateur).

The stroke speed is crucial. A rigid one, like Trajan Pro, should be selected only when necessary. Use it for those rambling, story telling bomb threats: the ones where you trace back every wrong that has ever happened to you, unabomber manifesto style. This is for those threats that are trying to meet a word count.  232 bullet points is the minimum. If you get no game, this one’s for you. Trajan Pros for the ones with no Trajans.

Looking to embody the mannerisms of the gentry folk? Try the Kunstler script. Is it a wedding invitation or an anthrax package? Who knows. This one’s messy as fuck (like that two year situationship you got going on with Guilleme the French exchange student who gave you the clap). Your victim will never see what’s coming: you might as well not even write the letter tbh. No one can fucking read it anyways.

Switch it up a little. Hold a grudge against John, the twat from elementary school who gave you wedgie? Try Comic Sans for that old school nostalgia. Harken back to times where you could acceptably call your teacher mommy without getting a citation. What’s more newsletter-bomb threat than this!?

If all these fonts don’t give you a hard-on, you can always keep it classy: no lady has ever said no to a handwritten letter.

What matters is that your bomb threat respects the art of typeface. You can only break one law at a time. Will it be unfettered violence or poor design? Pick your poison buddy.

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