The following article is based on an editorial written in the April 5, 2011 edition of The Stanford Daily. Check it out here before reading the article.
Displaying poise, passion, and a platform that would make the Dalai Lama scream in orgasmic pleasure, Tenzin Seldon ’12 and Joe Vasquez ’11 have earned the Flipside Editorial Board’s endorsement for ASSU Executive. But this editorial isn’t about Tenzin/Vasquez, it’s about Michael Cruz and how we don’t like him.
The Board drew three conclusions from the interview process. First, Michael Cruz has bad breath, second, Michael Cruz has a horrible sense of fashion, and finally, Michael Cruz and his running mate (we’ll call him “Bugsy”) are less competent than Sarah Palin at a science convention.
The board was gravely disappointed by the interview performance of Michael Cruz, who appeared to defer to Bugsy on most issues, wore a surprisingly bland wardrobe, and was unable to speak for more than four seconds without breaking into an incomprehensible dialect of Spanish. The board is not confident that Cruz would be able to tie his own shoes, let alone stand up to University officials. When it comes down to it, the board believes that Michael Cruz is so slow and stupid that he would get our endorsement only if he was running against a brain-dead paraplegic.
Bugsy, also known as Macgregor-Dennis, dominated the interview, giving several well thought out and technically impressive initiatives. However, he could not explain why he decided to associate himself with the incompetent slob named Michael Cruz. This Board encourages Macgregor-Dennis to abandon ship while he still can, before Michael Cruz ruins what could be an excellent ASSU political career.
The position of Exec is really not a difficult position to occupy. The position doesn’t require that much attention or time, it doesn’t take a visionary or prodigy to do the job—but it does require a pulse and the ability to bathe. Unfortunately, Michael Cruz does not fulfill either of these basic requirements. This board urges you to vote for Tenzin-Vasquez—not because they’re anything special, but because they’re not Michael Cruz.
The Flipside Editorial Board is chaired by Barney Schmutz. Members Timmy and Sidney recused themselves from the Board’s endorsement process because they value kindness.