Following Dong Nguyen’s bewildering decision to delete the hit game “Flappy Bird” based on fear of gamers’ addiction, Nintendo has decided to erase any evidence that the famed company ever existed.

“We’re trying to adapt to the market, and that means getting rid of your own products,” said Kirby Richards, VP of Public Relations for Nintendo of America. “The guilt just eats you up inside. We’ve made some truly addicting games in our time. We’re atoning for over thirty years of addiction by our recall.”

According to Richards, squads will be sent around the world to possess every Nintendo console, game, and product ever made, curbing obsession and wasted hours.

“Absolutely everything has to go–if someone is watching a video of Super Mario 64 on their phone, we’ll possess that too,” said Lucas Harrison, Director of Nintendo’s Addiction Attrition Association. “It’s about time we started taking responsibility.”

Not to be outdone, Sony is getting in on the act, invading homes to take PS4 consoles and replace them with plush versions of iconic characters, such as PaRappa the Rapper and Crash Bandicoot.

“After Flappy Bird it’s clear to us that games aren’t meant to be enjoyable or relaxing,” said Cooper Johnson, head of Sony’s marketing division. “Clearly, the most responsible thing to do is to take away these games from people who like them.”

A market immediately sprang up for any Nintendo products that can easily be hidden from the squads, fetching prices of up to two million dollars on eBay.

“This is completely ridiculous,” said economic analyst Daisy Gold shortly before bidding eight thousand dollars for a pouch of Star Fox fruit snacks.

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