Op-Ed: I Time Traveled to the Year 3000 and the Jonas Brothers Were So Wrong About Everything

February 28, 2019 12:00 pm
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Op-Ed: I Time Traveled to the Year 3000 and the Jonas Brothers Were So Wrong About Everything

These goddamn Jonas Brothers.

There I was, putting the finishing touches on my time machine that I built from scraps I found in the trash cans surrounding the Engineering quad, ready to experience the Jonas Brothers song ‘Year 3000’ for real. I had my scuba suit on, accounting for their description that humans lived underwater, and then eagerly plunged into the swirling vortex that would fulfill my teenage dreams.

Man, were those dudes wrong.

The first thing was that we most certainly did not live underwater. I landed in what I soon figured out was Stanford in the year 3000, which was still on dry land, and was immediately insulted by several hybrid human-robot for interrupting their discussion of a startup idea involving the cornering of the blood orange market by introducing weed infused oranges into the market. After that confusing debacle, I immediately tried checking the news, only to discover my iPhone couldn’t function without IOS 26, which would require several thousand dollars worth of upgrades. It was oddly comforting to know some things hadn’t changed.

So, already let down by the underwater fallacy the Jonas Brothers posited in their song, I trudged into the unknown, searching for a source of news.

I eventually stumbled across a floating screen that quizzed me on intergalactic politics before allowing me to use it (thankfully I had brushed up on my knowledge of Star Trek before leaving), and from there I was able to discern whether the whole ‘Year 3000’ bop was a lie. After a brief search, I was able to uncover that the Jonas Brothers most certainly did not make a seventh album. In fact, they didn’t even make it to a fifth album! They tried to regroup after they all had settled down with families, but apparently had a falling out after Joe rebelled after being pegged a ‘backup singer’.

And their claim that they outsold Kelly Clarkson? Please. They weren’t even able to outsell the Wiggles (who had come back for their remastered tour and sold out Madison Square Garden). Instead of living out the dream the Brothers had promised, I was living out their nightmare. As I trudged back to the present day, shucking my wetsuit off in anger, I wish I had never even gone.

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