While the campus and football world have been abuzz with the expectation that Andrew Luck will be selected with the first overall pick in the NFL draft, senior Nnemkadi Ogwumike was silently selected with the number one pick in the WNBA draft last Monday, tragically subjecting her to a future life of poverty and anonymity.

“I really have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I have reached the pinnacle of athletic achievement and am one of the best at what I do, but on the other hand this contract may leave me below the poverty level,” said Ogwumike. Added her college coach Tara VanDerveer, “Nnemkadi is more athletic, smarter, and frankly better looking than the vast majority of world. If America were truly a meritocracy, Nnemkadi would be a billionaire. It is a real pity that her talents will be wasted in the WNBA.”

Many on the campus sympathize with Ogwumike, but have pointed out that she is lucky to avoid the pitfalls of celebrity, like always having to give out signatures and take pictures with total strangers.

You May Also Like

Local School Field Trip Actually Just Trip To An Empty Field

Last week, local fifth graders embarked on their annual field trip to…

Breaking – This Reporter Getting Progressively Drunker

STANFORD, CA – Every year, prospective freshmen- affectionately called “ProFros” – visit…

Op-ed: I’m a School Shooter and Zoom Is Making Things Somewhat Inconvenient

Hey, my name is Kolin. I’m what the FBI database calls “a…