Ever since Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, scientists have wondered, “Can we create life? What are the ethical implications of playing God? And would God be kind of cool with it and not smite us if the life we created was pretty down to party, bro?” Those questions have finally been answered by the researchers at Gene Alpha Chi, who last week announced the creation of Bronc, the world’s first frat bro grown entirely in a test tube. 

While his unveiling wasn’t to occur until he was proficient in both flip cup and discrete Rohypnol distribution, the Gene Alpha Chi laboratory burned down moments after Bronc’s maturation when a bolt of lightning struck from a clear blue sky, resulting in his premature exposure to society. In what the researches afterwards declared his “first steps,” Bronc immediately shotgunned a the nearest Natty Light and flung his body onto the nearest table. 

“The lab coats tell me that I’m basically 100% cruelty free, bro,” Bronc said in an interview with the Flipside. “I got no fucking clue what that means, but it sounds pretty dope.” Researchers have revealed that Bronc is the bastard growth of a cow fetus genetically spliced with a ping pong ball and the abstraction of white upper-middle class privilege, all submerged in pure liquid hops. He appears to be in his late teens and wears a white polo shirt that experts have confirmed is fused to his skin. They are uncertain whether he will ever be able to grow facial hair that doesn’t look hideous. 

Bronc has joined the Sigma Nu chapter at Stanford, but until he is acclimatized to human sociality will be kept in their doghouse, his graduation from which will signal that he has learned to fabricate a convincing story about that girl he took to his room last night.

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