Saratoga, CA – Fred Collins was spotted this morning leaving a Peet’s coffee with a medium latte and a look of utter dejection. His eyes staring at an unidentifiable point off in the distance, Collins barely managed to choke out, “TV lied to me!” before dejectedly getting into his car.
Upon further investigation it was revealed that Rachel, the pretty barista who sometimes gives Fred an extra shot for free and who he thought kind of liked him, did not react to his flirtatious advances as he would have liked. Collins later gave a statement: “I did everything the way I was supposed to—opening with a clever, ironic line and holding her gaze while smiling slightly.”
Unfortunately, the interaction turned sour when Rachel did not pick up on the sarcasm when he told her that, “it’s absolutely critical that there be no foam whatsoever.” Instead of a biting retort or an expression of mock concern at the very least, Rachel just said she’d try her best and asked him for $2.75.
Refusing to quit, Collins tried again, paying in all pennies to stall her. However, instead of being moved to demand a date in return for the effort spent organizing the useless copper, Rachel just started counting them and gave him his receipt. Collins stood there awkwardly for a few more minutes until the guy behind him asked to order, at which point he moved into the “Pick Up Drinks” area and attempted to make sense of what had just happened.
Collins has threatened to sue TV for falsely advertising the true manner in which one picks up members of the service industry. His lawyer has neglected to comment, saying only that “people shouldn’t be led to think that they’re getting any tail with their espresso.”
The coffee industry has since lost most of their nerd customer base once they realized they wouldn’t get dates just because a cute girl was working the morning shift.