It’s only been months since Four Loko has been off shelves, and college students have already found a much more dangerous replacement. The popular drink, which combined caffeine and alcohol, was banned by the FDA late last year due to a series of reports that it posed serious risks to young people, including increased heart rate, excessive fun and the desire to never drink another Four Loko.

Recently, however, deans of colleges across the country have reported a serious and unintended consequence of that ban. In place of Four Loko, a new drug called Charlie Sheen has cropped up on college campuses and the results have proven dire. While the dangerous effects of Four Loko were proven unequivocally during a Today Show special, the exact effects of Charlie Sheen, however, are not yet entirely understood by scientists.

Early reports, however, don’t look good.

According to campus police at Winchester College in Maine, the faces of 15 students melted off completely after having taken just one hit of Charlie Sheen at a fraternity party. On the other side of the country at Dusquene College in Nevada, 10 students are reported to have ingested Charlie Sheen right before their bodies exploded in a violent burst. We caught up with one student who reported having tried the drug, and he says that he would be in support of a ban. “Charlie Sheen was too much for my human brain to handle. I just didn’t have the constitution for it.” His funeral will be held next Monday. Although there are no current plans to ban Charlie Sheen, an FDA announcement is scheduled for late next week.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…