Q: Chris, given that Wes Welker’s shuttle run in September 2004 was 0.05 seconds slower than Richard Sherman’s, should I be worried about Denver’s ability to pass?
Sincerely, Worried in West Lag
A: Shut up, nerd. This game is about three things: heart and grit. We don’t want none of this high-falutin numbers bullshit in the National Football League. Sherman’s gotta want it. More than Welker. Or. He. Could. Go. All. The. Way.
Q: Chris, I’m just a poor Stanford student, could you go over the rules of the game again?
Best, Confused in Cedro
A: Run the ball. Run it again. If it doesn’t work, pick up three yards and a cloud of dust. It’s about leadership. About willpower. About. Imposing. Your. Dominance. Physically. No. Homo.
Q: Chris, give me a rundown on the Denver team. I need to whether to take the over or the under.
Gamblin’ in Gavilan
A: Sure thing, champ. Led by Peyton Manning “The Torpedoes” and Von Miller “Lite,” Denver is one tough team. And you can never sleep on Eric “Black And” Decker, either. Wow, I am wasted right now. Someone pass me the Champ Bailey “Irish Cream.”