Narrowly edging out the guy who throws the Frisbee between his legs for every throw and the dude who yells “Let’s fucking roll out!” on Friday nights, Stanford Crew member and Sophomore Garret Jones clinched the prestigious “Coolest Campus Kid” award this week, for his daringly nonchalant, half-squeeze waterfalling technique. “I’ve been working hard for this moment,” said Jones. “I’m at the point where I can almost waterfall the entire bottle without getting any on my face.”

Jones has time and time again demonstrated a calm, collected yet confident manner while slightly squeezing out the drinks in his plastic bottle. He deserves this,” stated Stanford President John Hennessey in a press conference earlier this week. “Although the committee was humbled by the strong performances of the girl who misses us and needs us back in her life ASAP and the guy who ‘got absolutely destroyed’ last night.”

Naturally, some bitterness has emerged as a result of Jones’s victory. “I think this is bullshit; he’s pretty good, but there were plenty that were better” reports the guy who plays beach volleyball on the curt between Stern and Wilbur with his shirt off, “For one, I think the girl who posted all the pictures of the stuff her amazing big bought her was a MUCH better candidate.”

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