In breaking news, Dean Richard Shaw has revealed information on Stanford’s first admissions mistake. Spoiler: it’s you. The proclamation has left thousands of other students relieved, as they are now assured of their place at America’s most prestigious university, after Harvard, probably.
“After poring over admissions records, we’ve concluded that there is just one student who does not meet our intellectual, personal, or athletic standards,” Shaw announced. “While we are working to ensure this error in judgment never happens again, I want to make it clear that this obvious outlier is completely out of the norm for us. All of our other students are the bright, driven, and compassionate prodigies people have to come expect of Stanford. Most of them have their own companies, international accreditations, and a consistently visible six pack.”
Citing your lack of Olympic medals, unimpressive social persona, and inarticulate commentary in discussion section as just a few of the reasons you ultimately do not fit the bill, the Admissions Department explained that your acceptance letter was in all likelihood the result of an embarrassing technological glitch. They also floated the possibility that your regional admissions director was high on crack cocaine at the time.
While this announcement might seem like bad news, it really shouldn’t come as any surprise. There have been many indications leading up to this moment, from your disappointing midterms to the really weird comment you made at that party last month. Your close friend, who has asked to remain anonymous, agrees: “I mean, yeah, all of us always wondered how they got in, but we didn’t want to ask directly. We figured it was legacy or something.” Another close acquaintance chimes in, “At least now we can be confident in our belief that we are fundamentally superior in literally every way. Every. Way.”