After months of pushing a plan to expand Stanford’s freshman class under the pretense of creating “more opportunities for gifted students,” Hennessy gave in Monday afternoon and admitted he “just feels so, so lonely.”

During the press conference, President Hennessy became visibly agitated by questions about the viability of accommodating so many additional students. When pressed by a reporter about his personal motivations for the move, Hennessy broke down into tears.

“You guys don’t know what it’s like to meet all these great freshmen and be so excited to see them,” wailed Hennessy, “but after they let you shake their hand and tell you how happy they are to be here they just run off to hang out with other kids and leave you alone with their stupid parents.” Hennessy then launched into a 15 minute soliloquy on the cruelties of youth, which he concluded by turning his eyes longingly skyward as he struggled to regain composure.

This report follows Hennessy’s announcement on Friday of a new residential learning program, Friendship Matters, to be housed in the president’s Palo Alto home.

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