Cardinal Nights Revealed to be Front for Underground Fight Club

March 11, 2019 7:00 pm
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Cardinal Nights Revealed to be Front for Underground Fight Club

We’ve accepted bike crashes as commonplace at Stanford. Especially with the rain, we seem to acknowledge them as an inevitability, so much so that we should consider an introsem to teach Freshman who dress like graduate students (yes you with the over-the-shoulder bag and shoes so business casual they could have preached to me about how divine the deviled eggs were while at their mother-in-laws up in Seattle) how to use roundabouts. It’s not a judgment. People get in crashes all the time.

Or so we thought. After some heavy investigative, on-the-inside journalism from The Flipside, we’ve come to realize that bike accidents are actually a myth. There are none. Zilch. Zip. Nada. Never happen. You been in one? Didn’t happen. You see one? Didn’t happen. And here’s the kicker: Cardinal Nights is also a myth.

Cardinal Nights, much like bike accidents, is just a myth cooked up by Stanford to distract you from the fact that they are stealing our data for Facebook. You ever go to a Cardinal Nights event? Didn’t think so. A friend? I’m guessing not. This is because Cardinal Nights is, in fact, a front. You know those wholesome invitations to the exploratorium or to go see Finding Dory? It’s all covering up something much more sinister.

In a room accessible only through Stanford Haircuts, and even then you can only get in if you ask the barber for three centimeters off the duck tail your mother loves oh so dearly, is the for-profit fight club Cardinal Fights (Just don’t talk about the email list). In a pit of stone under Tressider, MTL watches with glee as students fist fight for onlookers who bet wads of cash. Cardinal Fights is the cause of your RA’s new bruise, the scrapes on the knee of your lab partner, and the reason why the only person you ever talk to in Spanish class is out for two weeks after her spleen was pulled out in a particularly nasty show-match. Yeah you’ll send her a get-better-soon card, but she’ll be out there again smashing noses and breaking toes, continuing to blame it on the shitty bike she got and never registered from Walmart.

Another mystery solved by the Flipside’s investigative journalism, we decided to look into the shady business of the Human Biology major obtaining a house on the row. Another conspiracy. Storey House is a cover-up for an organ trafficking ring.

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