10 Plagues Strike Stanford

April 21, 2014 12:00 pm
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10 Plagues Strike Stanford

Too long have students struggled under the yoke of p-sets and midterms. As Passover draws to an end, the suffering has been great as the Heavens cast down 10 plagues upon the campus of Stanford, to bestow freedom unto the student body. All the Jewish students are constipated, and that’s not even one of the plagues! Beware and observe the following scourges on Stanford:

1. All the water in Lake Lag will turn to blood.

2. An infestation of salamanders will emerge from the bed of Lake Lag, all 23 of them.

3. Just when you thought it was safe to eat in FloMo, the return of the Norovirus will destroy your insides.

4. All will receive bad housing draw numbers. Your expectations for a year on the Row will be shattered by a one-room double in the basement of Roble.

5. Then the Holy One, blessed be He, brought upon us flat bike tires.

6. Your attempts to commiserate on Facebook will be fruitless as your status will receive no likes at all.

7. The newest brothers and sisters of fraternities and sororities across campus will lose their bids.

8. Caterpillars will spread out of control and cling to your clothing when you least expect it.

9. It will be overcast. But it gets worse. The final plague is…

10. It might rain this weekend.