In protest of the grotesquely low salaries they are being paid, peer health educators (PHEs) across all dorms are now going on strike. As a part of this strike, they are refusing to dole out the usual supply of Neosporin, band aids, and life advice. What has proven the most detrimental to students across campus, however, is the sudden absence of readily available glow in the dark condoms.

Usually in abundance, these nightlight willy wrappers have helped hundreds of male students wield their genitals with expert precision in even the darkest of dorm rooms. They have been hailed as the “Tom Brady of condoms” by upperclassmen and “literally the reason I lost my virginity” by underclassmen. In the wake of the PHE strike, however, the number of these colorful sex pistol holsters has drastically decreased to the point of nonexistence. As a result, there has been an influx in the number of calls made to Vaden about students suddenly not being able to find their dicks in the dark.

“We have received an alarming number of emergency calls around two or three in the morning from male students claiming that, when they turn the lights off before intercourse, they simply cannot find their penis,” Vaden Health official Sandy Cox reported. “They never listen to our advice, either. They generally just scream and hang up.”

Along with the increase in alarming calls, dozens of students have gone to Vaden to seek treatment for the wounds dealt to their womb raiders.

“I mean it was really all a blur. One moment I was ready to go at it, but as soon as the lights went out it all went haywire,” Sophomore Trevor Smith said. “I gyrated my hips blindly, feeling my ol’ meat scepter dance across the room, praying that God would make my aim true, but I ended up jabbing it straight into a wall.”

These injuries are becoming alarmingly frequent, and Stanford’s administrators are now seeking to negotiate a swift end to the strike. At press time, ResEd had graciously upped their concessions to include a quarterly stipend of 8 Dining Dollars per PHE, a packet of stickers, and a half-finished booklet of crossword puzzles that their step dad has gotten bored with.

You May Also Like

Undergrads, Alumni Bond Over Shared Sense of Superiority

Citing the event’s “engaging” and “pleasantly egotistical” vibe, senior Ryan Winters told…

US Military Unveils Dog Capable of Smelling Hatred of America

A US military official recently announced the arrival of a groundbreaking new…