Seeking Defense Against Allegations, Law Professor Insists He’s 1/37.5th Asian

October 8, 2018 7:00 pm
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Seeking Defense Against Allegations, Law Professor Insists He’s 1/37.5th Asian

On Tuesday, The Fountain Hopper broke news that Stanford Law School Professor John Donohue had been accused of using racial slurs against a group of Asian basketball players. After initially labeling the allegations defamatory, Donohue has since updated his position on the matter by citing his own “deeply-held Asian heritage” as proof of innocence.

The Flipside managed to obtain an exclusive interview with Donohue, who began the conversation by bowing slowly before silently motioning to his computer background, a stock photo of Mt. Fuji.

Donohue continued on to explain that his appreciation for Asian culture and tradition stems back to his childhood, when he partook in such past-times as “finishing leftover lo mein” and “going to that Asian place to drink sake or sing karaoke or whatever.” Donohue also recalled a childhood spent building model railroads, eating sushi and watching tentacle porn in a friend’s basement as evidence of a powerful connection to his supposed 1/37.5th Japanese heritage.

At one point, Donohue asked that we continue our conversation in his ‘native language’ before diving headlong into a series of racial epithets and, at one point, a Bruce Lee monologue.

“Everybody who knows me knows these allegations are absolutely absurd,” Donohue continued, citing “the delivery guy at that place with the really good orange chicken” as a potential character witness.

While the Provost and SLS Dean continue a university investigation into the claim, Donohue stated that he has full confidence in the administrative process, remarking that “at least we’re not in fucking China.” When the Flipside reached out to the University for comment, they reaffirmed Stanford’s policy that “all discrimination against Asian-Americans be systematic and wholly confined to the admissions process.”

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