Russian oil tycoon Dmitri Spirakov, multi-billionaire and shadow operator of the Russian state, has announced that he “has absolutely no problem” with President Vladimir Putin seeing other corrupt magnates too.
“No, no, it’s totally fine with me”, commented the massively wealthy petroleum baron. “Putin has been very clear that ours is an open relationship, and that’s totally what I want too.”
Spirakov has been friends with Putin since before the fall of the USSR, but they didn’t develop a more intimate relationship until the obscenely rich industrialist began financing Putin’s political ambitions under the table. It was then that the president laid down some basic ground rules for their relationship, making it very clear that he could and would engage in debauched corruption with other oligarchs, too.
“I care for Spirakov deeply, as deeply as his pockets go”, explained the Russian Federation’s head of state. “His illicit contributions have paved the way for innumerable false flag attacks. But I would be a foolish politician to not also make myself available to other equally willing partners.”
“I am a modern man”, Putin continued. “My passion cannot be tied down to any one plutocrat.”
Spirakov insists that he is equally open to bribing other elected officials, but that he “just hasn’t found someone [he’s] as compatible with as Vlad.” But, he is quick to add, he’s “100% okay with the relationship not being exclusive anyways.”
“I honestly have no problems with Putin exploring his other options”, clarified the fossil fuel mogul. He paused hesitantly a moment before whispering, “If one slush fund just isn’t enough for Mr. Big Britches himself, who even fucking cares.”
At press time, Spirakov had reportedly locked himself sobbing in his bathroom after hearing that several key members of the Trump administration’s cabinet had been spotted entering a hotel with the Russian president late one night.