Brett Michael Kavanaugh – leader, patriot, lifetime celibate. In an exclusive interview with The Flipside, the newest Supreme Court Justice clears the air about some of the pesky controversies surrounding his recent appointment.

The Honorable Judge began our conversation with an emphatic declaration: “I have never had sex. I’ve never even seen my own dick. I don’t look down when I pee. My aim is pretty bad.”

As we strolled around the brewery where he’d requested the interview be conducted, Kavanaugh added, unprompted, that he had “never masturbated to Stormy Daniels,” unlike most of “those dirty Democrat fornicators.”

After I pressed him on his recent Senate testimony, Kavanaugh begrudgingly conceded that he’d “perhaps been too emotional,” but argued that he was “so drunk [he doesn’t] remember it anyway.”

When asked about his wife, Kavanaugh responded immediately. “I have never had sexual relations with that woman,” he said. “Or any woman, for that matter. Quite frankly, I consider coitus utterly beneath me. It’s pretty much the same way I feel about females in general.”

And his daughters? “They were hatched,” Kavanaugh said. “We found two giant eggs in the park one day and knew it was a sign from the Heavenly Father.” When I asked if religion had always played a big part in his life, he clarified that he had been referring to “Daddy Putin” but refused to elaborate further.   

“So what do you think,” Kavanaugh said as he shotgunned his eighteenth beer of the afternoon. “Am I a responsible choice for the highest court in the land?” When I confessed to him that I still had my doubts, he advised me to “just go ask that bitch Susan Collins. She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no, either.”

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