Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without

October 9, 2019 12:00 pm
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Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without

New research on the gastronomical habits of motor vehicles has revealed that cars — and to a lesser extent buses, motorcycles, and trucks — express a significant dietary preference for cyclists wearing helmets over those who ride with scalp and hair exposed. Scientists have deduced that this is because, like cats sharpening their claws on scratching posts, cars’ jaws require regular exercise on something tougher than mere bone.

“Cars’ rapid evolution over the past century has resulted in increasingly keen senses as well as a particular affinity for that special helmet-y crunch,” explained head researcher Johanna Scott. “Both the sight and scent of a shiny new ‘I Love My Brain’ cranial cover are enough to send a team of trucks into a bloodthirsty feeding frenzy that can only be satiated by the satisfying crackle of helmet between teeth.”

In light of this recent revelation, Stanford administration has overturned its previous pro-helmet policy and recommended that cyclists eschew the use of all protective headgear whenever possible. Citing a 230% increase in vehicular manslaughter (ie. the slaughter of man by vehicle) observed during the study, a statement released by President Marc Tessier-Lavigne earlier this week noted that “it’s easier to send an email to parents telling them about your collision-induced brain damage than it is to try to explain why we had to use dental records to identify your body because the face was so mangled by the car’s gnashing chompers.”

This news comes as a shock to the helmet community, which has also learned recently that helmets give football players concussions and — perhaps even worse — make you look like a total dweeb.

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