Campus life took a depressing turn earlier this week, as sexiled freshmen began to set up camp in the Windhover Contemplative Center. This brand new building, established to facilitate meditation and tranquility for the greater community, has quickly devolved into a makeshift living space for displaced frosh.

Just four weeks ago, 1600 bright-eyed, sexually charged freshmen rolled onto campus looking to copulate with any member of the student body they could get their hands on. While the resulting orgy sparked both admiration and disgust from fellow classmates, the unfortunate roommates of these playgirls and playboys were overlooked as they were cast out onto the streets. Too scared to jeopardize their new friendships by asking for a place to stay, they instead wandered aimlessly around campus. That is, until Vaden hastily established the Windhover Sexile Camp.

Within the newly painted walls of a multi-million dollar building, local sexiles may now find a place to spend the night when foisted from their dorm rooms. Freshmen may sleep on the Contemplative Center’s free yoga mats and receive nightly water rations from the meditative pond located in the middle of the Center. Not surprisingly, relationships between frequent refugees have begun to occur, but these couples are often ostracized for being sexually active by their fellow outcasts. Once again kicked out onto the streets, these second-tier hookups have yet to find a home.

To donate to the Windhover Sexile Camp, you may call Stanford directly or visit

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…