Freshmen eager to attend their first-ever college party were left disappointed Friday night when, upon showing up to Kappa Sigma drunk and ready to dance, they were turned away and told that Eurotrash had been restructured as a lecture series exploring the sociocultural underpinnings of Brexit.

“This is the first party of the year, so you know my boys and I were tryna get wild,” said Connor Sprute ’22. “But when we got to Kappa Sigma, the house was dark and no one was there except for an elderly man in a tweed coat. He started trying to explain the Schengen Area to us, but we left when we realized there were no Natties.”

Set to include a dozen installments, the new Eurotrash will explore the role of factors like immigration, race and tax policy in spurring Britain’s withdrawal from the European Union. Although the event will continue to be held in the frat house from nine to midnight every Friday, it’s now sponsored by the Hoover Institution and worth 2 units.

There will be no beer, University sponsors have confirmed, although a segment on Baltic agricultural tariffs does feature Lithuanian wine tasting for students 21+.

“I assure you, this is the same Eurotrash everyone knows and loves,” Provost Persis Drell said in an email sent to the student body. “Sure, the music is a little heavier on the lutes, and formal clothing is now mandatory, but I assure you: learning about Parliamentary procedure and getting schwasted with your friends are not mutually exclusive.”

A Kappa Sigma brother confirmed that the event would probably be more or less the same after sheer boredom prompted several dozen freshmen to throw up in the bushes.

You May Also Like

Line at the Post Office Voted “Most Productive Spot on Campus”

The Line at the Post Office finally triumphed over the Line at…

Class of 2027 Student Spotlight: They’re All Pieces of Shit

Ah yes. Admit weekend.  Swarms of lanky to-be freshmen wander the vast campus, not…

Stanford Card Plan Cut After Credit Line Used on Beer


STANFORD—Stanford University terminated its new card plan today after students spent approximately…