Following the recent allegations against SOCC, a response statement issued by the SOCC, and a flurry of half-baked Op-Eds about the controversy published in the Stanford Daily, Joshua Smith, a member of the Stanford community, was relieved to find that other people around campus had already spoken on his behalf.

“It’s just so nice to wake up and not have to worry about stringing together a fully formed idea about my own identity,” Smith stated. “I don’t care about the fact that the people who seem to be most vocal on the issue are either misinformed or borderline insane – I’m just happy I don’t have to think about stuff for myself.”

Accepting the notion that only one of two possible opinions on the matter is possible, Smith was excited to learn that any semblance of nuance in the dispute is impossible. “Initially, I was worried that there might be more to this than at first glance. I’m just happy that I don’t have to think about that anymore.”

Smith, like many other moderate students, was even happier to learn that national publications like the New York Times were getting involved in the conflict. “You know, before, it was so relaxing when most students were having their opinions spoken for by other students, but now that a large-nationwide organization with a clear personal agenda is becoming involved, hopefully Stanford students as a whole will shut up, embrace their natural apathy, and build an app or some shit.”

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